By Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist

There have been some deeply personal things going on in my life that during the past few weeks have made me feel at times like my life is on hold.

My son is gravely ill.

My firstborn son, Richard, is gravely ill at age 41. He’s in the capable loving care of his wife, Tracey. He is receiving excellent daily palliative care from an outside support team. But he lives 3000 miles from where I live.

My wife Eileen and I visited him in early October when it appeared he had only days to live. He has rallied somewhat, and I’m planning another trip within the next two weeks. At this point he thinks he will make it until my next visit.

And that is why I have this feeling of being on hold.

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He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.

Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

Those of you who know me personally or have been following my blog are aware that I lost my son to cancer and other problems three months ago. In fact, he died three months ago yesterday. It is a part of parenting none of us ever wants to have face, but it happened nonetheless.

I tell my clients that it may take two years to get completely through the grieving for the loss of a loved one. But applying that principle to my own life is harder. I think I’ve been doing quite well in getting back to normal. My energy level is back up. I am able to concentrate. I am enjoying my work. Family life is good.

Then two things happened this week that caught me off guard and shouldn’t have. For the past week or so I have been having disturbing dreams. They’re not intense enough to qualify as nightmares, but they are about death and loss and interpersonal blunders. A couple of times I’ve not been able to get back to sleep.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

I just read a disturbing article in the New York Times, disturbing because its implications go far beyond the scope of the article.

The article is entitled, "What’s a Pound of Prevention Really Worth?" by David Leonhardt. He talks about a cardiologist who characterizes himself as "an accidental diet doctor." Dr. Arthur Agatston of South Beach Diet fame now claims that "Heart attacks are essentially disappearing from my practice."

The big picture of what he is saying and taking action on is simple. We know many of the factors that prevent heart attacks, both medical and lifestyle, so a vigorous prevention program reduces the risk by "up to 80 percent."

The problem is it takes a committed patient, frequent visits, nurses, nutritionists and others to succeed.

And according to the article his practice is losing money. Why?

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Dr. Neill Neill

Many marriages start off as good marriages, but over time turn stale or even hostile.  At any given time huge numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage.

If you were to delve, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can mess up a marriage, but neglect the following at your peril.

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Dr. Neill Neill

You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."

The five conditions were

Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…

Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

After some much-needed family time, my first post of 2007 is to set a direction for 2007 and to invite you to come with me. In the past my first article has been about making resolutions and setting goals: how do you maximize your chances of manifesting your personal dreams for the new year?

This year I’ve been thinking about a more expanded approach, a big-picture approach to the new year. I’m not talking about your personal resolutions. Rather, I am talking about our collectively holding an intention, a larger vision for our community.

"Community" can be whatever you decide: your family, your neighborhood, your town or city, your country or even the global community.

My five top wishes for 2007 are below. Please join me in considering the big picture. Add your own big wishes to the Comments section below. With a clear direction there is something big or small that each of us can do to move our communities in that direction.

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Dr. Neill Neill

It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his grieving parents are struggling with an insurance company.

What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.

Last year I suffered the death of a son. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific trauma for the parents!

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by Dr. Neill Neill

The day after my last post, Parenting and Grieving , my son died. Richard slipped into a coma a few hours after our final goodbyes and died within a couple of days. Two days later we held a funeral service for him in his church as he wanted.

When it was all over, I desperately needed to be home, so I caught a flight the next day. Seven more days have passed.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

A lot of difficulties and stresses in marriage and other relationships arise from underdeveloped personal boundaries. But to understand this, we need to make sure we’re on the same page as to the meaning of the term "boundaries."

Some confuse "putting up a wall" with "maintaining good personal boundaries." A wall is a solid structure that keeps you inside and keeps everyone else out. I’m sure you’ve seen it happen that a family member will hear nothing you have to say and will reveal nothing of their thoughts or feelings to you. They "put up a wall." Have you ever been there yourself?

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