Dr. Neill Neill,
If you react to the heading with discomfort, you are part of the majority of people who believe that trauma is all bad: assault, sexual abuse, robbery, failure, marital breakdown or the death of a child cannot possibly be good for you. End of story.
Dr. Neill Neill
Most of us personally know at least one family that has been touched by cancer. The chances are that we have experienced cancer in our own families. Perhaps you are dealing with a diagnosis of cancer or have beaten cancer yourself.
I personally have lost a son, two sisters-in-law and two favorite uncles to cancer in the last five years.
I just got off the phone with a dear friend whose mother has been recently diagnosed with cancer. Her cancer has not metastasized, so with surgery and probably chemo her chances of a full recovery are good.
Dr. Neill NeillDr. Neill Neill
It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his grieving parents are struggling with an insurance company.
What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.
Last year I suffered the death of a son. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific trauma for the parents!
Neill Neill, Ph.D.
After supplying your body with oxygen and water, you need "presence" for good stress management. The best practice I have ever found for getting present and then staying present for more of your day is a special kind of walk. I call it the "presence walk." It could turn out to be one of the most important tools in your mental health arsenal.
The presence walk is mechanically the same as any other walk; what is different is what you do with your mind while walking.
You have probably heard lots of different expressions about the importance of being present; for example, "Be here now!" "The point of power is in the present." But do you really understand why presence is so important?
The simple answer is that there is no trauma in the present. When we think of trauma we think of something bad that happened in the past. In other words our minds go out of present time and into the past. When we worry about something stressful or even traumatic that might happen in the future, our minds leave the present and move into the future.
Right now you are having a coffee. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it is because your mind on all the things that you have to get done– the future.
So to get your mind off past stresses or worries about the future, here is an exercise that I guarantee will bring you into the present. I’ve been using it personally for twenty years.
Go for a walk of at least 20 minutes. Walk where there are trees if you can. Trees are good because they are big and they are alive. If there are no trees were you live, try to walk where there are other live objects, the bigger the better. Large cacti will work, for example. But use whatever you can.
As you walk let your eyes focus on an individual tree as you approach it. Take in its size, its shape, its color, its texture, and any sounds or smells that come from it. Do not name it; just observe it. When you have it– it should take three or four seconds — let your eyes move to another tree and do the same thing, and then do it again, and again.
Always pick a tree far enough ahead that you never have to break your pace to finish taking it in.
If you continue this for 20 minutes, you will be fully present. The more often you practice the presence walk the more ease you will have in getting into a present time. And besides, you get all the benefits of good walk.
Getting present is key to good stress management. It is important in avoiding the buildup of chronic stress. The presence walk is a basic mental health tool, so use it often.
Neill Neill Ph.D.
One time years ago I was treating two young women who were both showing signs of depression and grief and in general having a hard time in life. Both lived in a large city and didn’t know each other.
Neither could afford to pay for psychotherapy so their mothers were footing the bill.
It turned out that one had suffered sexual abuse as a child and the other as a teen had been in a couple of serious accidents causing physical injury, plus some other severe trauma in the interval between the two accidents.
We focused on clearing the aftereffects of trauma and were progressing very well with the work. Both were coming out of their depression. Both were no longer grieving their losses, one her loss of childhood (sexual abuse does this), and the other her loss of a carefree healthy transition from child to adult.
Dr. Neill Neill
Mental illness is not neatly categorized and explained, and that can be a bit scary. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-IV) gives descriptions of the many mental disorders affecting about 20 percent of the population.
The three mental disorders we most often hear about are schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder (clinical depression.)
I have been up close and personal with all three: family members, close friends, colleagues, pupils and clients. I even did internships in big mental hospitals, back in the days before they closed their doors.
by Dr. Neill Neill
The day after my last post, Parenting and Grieving , my son died. Richard slipped into a coma a few hours after our final goodbyes and died within a couple of days. Two days later we held a funeral service for him in his church as he wanted.
When it was all over, I desperately needed to be home, so I caught a flight the next day. Seven more days have passed.
Dr. Neill Neill
On October 23 I posted A Hard Personal Lesson in Acceptance , in which I explained that my son Richard is dying and I’m getting a difficult lesson.
Two weeks have passed and I have spent the last two days with Richard. He requires a lot more pain medication now. He has deteriorated considerably in the past month. He was frail but mentally sharp a month ago. Yesterday he was fragile, but mentally absent much of the time. Fortunately, the absences were punctuated by periods of lucidity.
Neill NeillSome years ago I had a boss who was obsessed with finding out how "comfortable" people were after each counselling session with me. I told him "I am not in the comfort business. I am in the clarity business." I must admit that I was in a lot of mental/emotional ‘discomfort’ during those arguments with my boss. I was fired less than a year later, bringing even more intense discomfort. I blamed my former boss for everything…
