Part Two of The Functioning Alcoholic
In The Functioning Alcoholic: Gaps in Functioning I argued that doing one’s job is not one’s only function in life. For the alcoholic to consider himself to be “functioning” he has to function in various areas of life, not just on the job. In part two of this series, I will talk about the functioning alcoholic and achievement.
Abandoned Dreams and Under-achievement
Consider the young woman with brains and ambition who wanted to become a doctor. Like many students, she had to take a work break from her studies to earn the money to continue. She worked in a bar, but drinking gradually crept into her daily routine. Now at 50 and four marriages later she’s still working in a bar, her dream of being a doctor a distant memory. She considers herself to be a functioning alcoholic, but is she really functioning when she has abandoned her dream and falls so far short of her potential, is she just getting by?
During my alcoholic period, I did my job and I was a kind loving father. But I never got around to writing. I will never know whether I might have started my writing career much earlier, were it not for the drink. I do know that I never went to any of my kids’ games during my alcoholic period, and I wasn’t even aware of the neglect until it was too late. I thought I was functioning well, but only after I had switched my lifestyle to a much healthier one did I realize how far I fell short of what i aspired to and was capable of.
The point is that addictive drinking leads to under-functioning, and under-functioning people do not live up to their potential and in the end usually quell their dreams.
In my mind, the abandoned dreams and the general underachievement of those who abuse alcohol do not spell “functioning.” They spell serious “under-functioning.”
Whenever I meet a person who considers himself to be a functioning alcoholic, I can’t help but wonder what that person might have been or might have created or might have given, if he or she hadn’t fallen under the spell of alcohol.
What do you think? Leave your comments below.
In Can the Functioning Alcoholic Last?: Part Three I tackle the issue of using the term “functioning” when the alcohol leads to an early death.
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I guess it depends on your definition of functioning. I consider an alcoholic to be functioning when he is able to drink excessively without apearing drunk, when his intake has increased and when he is able to do his job successfully (although the choices he makes when drinking may eventually come to effect him at work). Not all areas of his life need to be in order or “functioning”, but to others, the functioning alcoholic seem just fine, as they are not able to see the whole picture.
This is such an interesting topic and the crux of the problem is that high-functioning alcoholics and their loved ones tend to use their achievements to feed their denial. The stereotype of an alcoholic being homeless on the street enables those who are able to hold a job, be in school and/or have family/friend to slip through the cracks and avoid getting help.
Your seems to be a compliment to the book that I wrote called “Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic: Professional Views and Personal Insights.” http://www.highfunctioningalcoholic.com
May we continue to increase awareness of about high-functioning alcoholics, break their denial and lead them to get help.
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for your comments, and best wishes on your much-needed book.
I work one day a week at a rehab center for high functioning alcoholics and drug addicts. Many of them got there only when they finally realized they were losing their families or their health.
I also work with couples, where the man repeatedly defends his drinking with, "But I’m a functioning alcoholic, so there’s nothing wrong. What’s your problem?" Women in such relationships are discovering from my book, Living with a Functioning alcoholic, A Woman’s Survival Guide, how to reground themselves and to retake control of their lives. Good things are happening for them.
Keep up the good work
Neill
I sat last night for five hours on this web site until midnight which was valentines day, actually black friday night till saturday morning, and I am a new woman. I have tried to enable my cookies to download book, but having trouble but will fix the problem. What I have achieved in the last 24 hours is just remarkable, I have been going to a counsellor and she has been beating her head against the wall telling me my husband has terminal woodworm like an old house that cannot be fixed. It has sunk in, I am throwing out all my gear ready to move with my kids, I will not try and be his saviour as I have done in the past. He lives in the bottom room of our house and I moved upstairs and told him thursday that I was not his too bully anymore. What a terrible disease I did not realise how many others are dealing with the same thing as me. This web site is the best thing since sliced bread and I believe it has saved my life.
Thankyou and best wishes to everyone,I know the despair, heartache, embarrassment, guilt, confusion and anger we all feel when we try to rationalise the problem of alcohol, and until we step off the roll coaster we do nothing to help them or ourselves no matter how sad it is to leave.
Shaz
I search around for insight from others.
Oh my I’ve found it thanks.
Great news when I read about functioning alcoholics here. This is my husband we don,t have evenings he’s to busy being busy getting drunk, staggers to bed and I suppose has done for some time. You gradually realise when it’s to late to help.. He’s refused treatment and stopped any self help at all. It’s always next week that he’ll give up.
Doesn’t drink till he’s done what he has too but can drink 5-12 hours a day.
Now he’s suddenly rude, a new behaviour he shoves and pushes me.
I am not allowed to talk at all when he’s having a bad time (drunk).
To others he a pleasant nice chap, who has at times down a job and is life and sole if any gathering. I am the provider at the and at retirement age suddenly thought oh my god help.
I’ve snapped inside and feel ill now I’m at risk of losing my job through stress.
How do you walk away from pets and all household belongings you’ve paid for it’s hard but I hope I can.
I’m going to tell people what’s happening and ask for help.
Hi Rose,
Sharing what’s going on for you is a good first step. You describe a man who wants to die, or at least be out of the marriage. However, the alcoholic is never the one to make the move; if he did, he could not claim he was the victim.
How do you leave all that stuff? Wrong question. Assuming the marriage is over, the real question is, do you want and need something better for the rest of your life? If yes, and if you act on it, the answers to how will fall into place. You leave with your integrity plus some of the stuff. Nothing’s sacred…except you.
Neill
I don’t know how I found this website, but I am sure glad that I have
and don’t miss things with them, being busy on the school P&C and all the afterschool sports too – but thats all I do
My husband doesn’t want to seperate, he wants us to be a real family, that means me not drinking so often
I hadn’t seen it as an issue – I ‘function’ well enough and even better while he is away
I work, care for the kids (5 &
I miss out on his events – he comes second or third or fourth
I am very close to my parents and would usually share a drink with them most days
It seems I may be underfunctioning – abandoning my dreams – blaming my husband and the person he has become (he quit drinking last year)
I thought it was that I didn’t love him – but maybe its me?
xxR
I have lived with a functioning alcoholic for 29 years. He won’t go out at night, won’t travel, won’t have company. He did go to kids games when the kids were younger, but that has changed. Now the kids are gone and he has increased from 6- 12 oz beers every evening to 5-7 16 oz beers. He drinks all this beer from 4pm to 6pm and thinks he is fine. He is a good teacher and doesn’t do anything really bad during his drinking. His eyes are red, he sometimes stumbles around the house and he sometimes begins to criticize me for odd things. He thinks that because he hasn’t changed that it is me with the problem. I have spent most of my vacation time alone on trips and am contemplating divorce because I cannot face another 20 years in this lifestyle. Of course, I will be saying goodbye to all that we acquired over the years. The kids will be upset. But I like what you say that this should be about me and not stuff. He says he has told his doctor what he drinks and the doc said he should drink less, but his health is fine. How can that be?!
This is such a dilemma for me.