Dr. Neill Neill
You both enjoyed a drink when you were first married. But unlike your drinking, his has increased over time. In fact it has become an integral part of everyday living for him.
It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
Perhaps he is just a friendly alcoholic. He pours a drink as soon as he gets home from work and he keeps one going all evening. He watches television with you and the children and is easy to get along with, provided he always has a drink. He insists there is nothing wrong with this drinking and that he is functioning quite well. After all, he reasons, he does his job and he brings home the money.
However, he never goes to the children’s games, because he doesn’t plan ahead. By the time he is asked, he’s already drinking and can’t go. "Next time…"
If you enjoy sex in the evening, you are out of luck, because by bedtime he’s blotto. And sex is not the only area where you are feeling neglect. It’s hard to have a discussion about anything significant after he has had a couple of drinks. You spend a lot of time effectively alone. You didn’t bargain for loneliness in your marriage.
You are in deeper trouble if your husband tends to become confrontational when drinking. It is a common sign of advancing alcoholism. He might snap at the kids. Perhaps he yells at you. Certainly he blames you a lot. You worry that his emotional and mental abuse might escalate into violence against you and the children.
Sometimes he has corralled you into calling his employer to say he is sick, when you know he just has a hangover. He aggressively demands absolute secrecy. You and the kids are forbidden to talk with your friends about any of the unpleasantness at home.
He may insist on another definition of "functioning" to protect his ego, but in my books, if what I have said fits, the signs point to your husband’s being a minimally functioning alcoholic.
What has happened to you as his alcohol addiction has progressed? You have slid into codependency with your husband. You are enmeshed. Everything that each of you does affects the other. While he has become addicted to alcohol, you have become addicted to his care. Therefore, overcoming codependency is overcoming addiction. Your addictions support each other.
If his behavior has not yet deteriorated to the level of physical violence, you may still have time to recover from your addiction without leaving the relationship. But let "safety first" be your motto.
I’ve written elsewhere about useful steps to take to recover from codependency. The gist of my recommendations is that you independently do as much as you can to reestablish your identity, separate from his. This may mean having your own friends, going to church on your own, getting in shape or getting a job. It will certainly mean never buying or hiding his booze, never making excuses for him, and refusing to keep family secrets.
He will object vehemently, of course. But you have no more obligation to your husband to maintain your addiction than he has to you to maintain his addiction. In fact you will both be much better off individually and as a couple if you both recover from your addictions.
Get help from wherever you can whenever you need it and do not seek his permission in the process. The very act of seeking help independently is part of your recovery.
Click the tab "Alcoholism Test" at the top of this page to go to the test, "Is Your Husband a Functioning Alcoholic?". It will give you more clarity about whether or not your husband is an alcoholic.
Take care.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Addiction and Codependency Simplified."
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My husband drinks everynight 4 to 8 beers. We do not have a marriage, since I do not want anything to do with him. He claims it is because I am a bitter and miserable person and that I have done this to myself and that many of his friends have assured him he is a good, pleasant person and very easy to get along with. We have a 3 year old son together whom he interacts with well and claims I do not spend any time or attention on (even though he leaves our son with me to go do his heavy drinking at least 3 times a week)the rest of the time he trys to monopolize our sons time by keeping him right next to his side. He does this while drinking and I usually go to my room and watch TV cause I do not want to sit with a guy who just keeps drinking all night. Is my husband teaching my son how to be an alcholic. I do not feel my son is in any danger, but I have had to endure verbal abuse from my husband.
Hello Sharon,
You deserve a life, and so does your son. Take action by taking the Alcoholism Test. Then read some of the things other women have said. Read the book, starting with Chapters 1, 2, 3 and 24.
You have to take action. You can’t “drift” into a better life. The models your son is seeing is an alcoholic father, a mother who takes abuse, but doesn’t do anything about it, and a marriage with poorly-handled conflict. I doubt that’s what you want for him.
I made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying a man that I never should have a few years ago. I knew him as a young boy twenty some odd years ago but after reuniting, his family failed to tell me that Dan had become a terrible alcoholic thru the years and that he had been in and out of different rehabs unsuccessfully, as well as been in trouble with the law, including spending time in jail. He also had one of the worst tempers I had ever witnessed or known. This unbelievable temper had also got him in trouble with 2 ex wives, as he was physically violent and controlling with both. He was charged with domestic violence with his second wife.
Dans three children also had very little to do with him due to his unpredictable behavior. I never knew any of this until after I had already married him, there were no signs or warnings but I would soon start having my own terrible experiences right after we were married. Dan would notoriously start an argument as an excuse to leave so he could go drink, usually a day or two later he was sorry and wanted to come home, this became a vicious pattern over and over.
Last Christmas I had had enough, he come home drunk and called the police and made a false report on me, in the midst of the police coming, Dan had sandwiched me in between our front door and screen door and was pushing the heavy door on my entire body that was halfway in and halfway out. By the time the police arrived, they saw the marks on my arm and seen that Dan was intoxicated, Dan was arrested immediately.
His father made a couple of calls to me asking if I would call the prosecutor and tell them that it was an accident, he wanted me to lie to get his son out of trouble! It was at that time that I broke all ties with his parents, I was starting to see that they were part of the problem.
Several months later I decided to separate from Dan, I wanted him to get real help or else it was over. We were separated for 8 months, during this time he had snuck into his 401k and took out $20,000 to buy a corvette, his father had him put the corvette in his dads name so the money couldnt be traced so that the car couldnt be taken from him. That money was supposed to be ours for when we were old, so that we could live on it. Since then, I have heard three different stories about the 401k, to which none of them I believe. He also has a terrible time with telling the truth and being honest.
I have found out that Dan has all the characteristics of an alcoholic- although he doesnt feel he has a problem, nor does he think that hes an alcoholic. During our separation, he was arrested again, drunk driving, this time he ended up going to jail. He was in there for approximately 4 months. He had violated his probation that he was given from the domestic violence charge, because of this, his parents thought that their son was going to jail because of me.
My problem is this, I want out, I cant stand him, he has caused so much pain and turmoil for everyone and still has not changed but I have no job I have tons of applications in everywhere but ith the economy, I am struggling to find something and I need my bills paid. I dont know where to turn or what to do, all I know is that I want out!!
I have been with Dave for 12 years we have four children. He drinks a 12 pack every day more on weekends and holidays. He gets out of work befor I do. I pick up our twin toddler sons from the sitters, and as soon as I walk in the door he goes straight to the basement leaving me to care for our children. The only time he comes up is to use the bathroom and grab something to eat, and right back down he goes. If I raise my voice or yell at our children he will begin running me down as a parent. If I don’t clean up the house he will verbaly abuse me in front of our children. I have to be the one to open the bills and plan when to pay them and I cannot count on a set amount from him because he gives me what he wants rather than what we need. I don’t know how to get out of this and how I could afford 4 children when I do. Can you help me?
I have read all of the stories that are posted here and I can completely relate.
I have been married to an alcoholic man for 20 yrs. since I was just 20 years old! It all started out fun, we’d have parties but he would always get drunk and pass out and everyone thought it was funny. Cookouts I couldn’t rely on him to do the cooking because he was drinking. After family get- togethers at my home he would be passed out and I’d be left to clean and put everything back in order alone. This was true for Christmas Eves. When my son was very little and still believed in Santa I would be up all alone at night putting out the gifts and filling the stockings because my husband would be wasted from Christmas Eve festivities. Every single year – honestly!
As the years progressed, our invitations from friends and neighbors were less and less. One new neighbor that didn’t know us very well did invite us to a cook out 2 summers ago. They aren’t heavy drinkers (nor am I, I feel I should mention), but my husband arrived drunk and ending up pissing his pants before staggering up their driveway to go home! I could go on and on with the stories of humiliation. All I can say is I am living the nightmare.
He lost his job last year due to drinking and during his unemployment had a drunk driving accident. I’m working so much to support my son. My teenaged son and I are very close thank God. I don’t get to spend as much time with him as I used to. I’m in severe financial hardship not just from the loss of my husband’s job but also because of gambling that he was addicted to. Did I mention he was driving away from the track when his drunk driving accident occured?
My close friends all think I’m crazy that I’m still with him, but I don’t have a lot of options right now. I don’t make that much money and my credit is shot. I want my son’s life to be happy again. I have no where to go and so to remain in my house
I deal with his nagging for me to purchase alcohol for him and then when he does get drunk yelling at me for various problems he says are my fault. My life is utter hell right now because of an alcoholic. I could keep writing.
All I can say is if you suspect your partner is an alcoholic they probably are – and get yourself out before you are in too deep. Don’t be a stupid fool like me and think it will get better because you’ll be in for the worst ride of your life.
Interesting article although I am bothered by two things:
1) Dr. Neill writes “What has happened to you as his alcohol addiction has progressed? You have slid into codependency with your husband.” I do not believe that every woman goes down the pathetic hill of codependency. Many probably do but certainly not all.
2) as well, Dr. Neill writes “If his behavior has not yet deteriorated to the level of physical violence, you may still have time to recover from your addiction without leaving the relationship.” — Fortunately this is not the case. Not every alcoholic gets violent, my husband cleans the kitchen. But for those who feel like they’re in danger, get out, Dr. Neill is right, safety first.
My heart goes out to the women here and my advice is get out if you can. Unfortunately, I have physical problems that prevent me from working and am unable to leave now. Sadly, the way my husband drinks, I’ll probably be a widow before a divorcee.
My question to Dr. Neill is this: I tell people about his drinking, I don’t make excuses for him, I don’t lie for him, I tell him he has to take responsibility for his actions and do not bail him out or help him. I’ve tried to talk to him about his drinking and alcoholism but he is in heavy denial. I’ve offered to go to counseling with him or where ever he wants to go to get help, but that suggestion is met with silence. He’s already had cancer once (a cancer that is directly related to heavy drinking and smoking) and as soon as he finished his treatments, he went right back to drinking and smoking. He doesn’t exercise or eat healthily. It’s horrible watching him kill himself. Is there ANYTHING I can do to help him?
Thank you
My husband is very charming to most people. According to him, I’m the only one who has any issue about his drinking. He’s like the emperor with no clothes. Everyone knows he overdoes it, but feels it isn’t “polite” to talk to him about it, or “doesn’t want to get into his business.”
He went to a local play rehearsal at a winery, and got drunk because it (the alcohol) was “there.” Before that his sister was in town and he was “visiting” with her for four days, each evening passed out on the floor or couch of his mother’s and brother’s houses. He always does things that he feels absolves him from being a drunk. During the visits with his sister, he was usually the one cooking or barbequeing. In his mind, he’s the good guy, so he has “earned” his drinks (like they’re a prize or something). Last night he drank with his brother. It’s always something.
Dear Brendalee,
I didn’t mean to imply that all spouses of alcoholics slip into codependency; you certainly haven’t. And probably most alcoholics don’t become physically violent. What we do know is that the best predictor of phyical violence is verbal violence (verbal abuse), and the most dangerous time is the few month starting with the first statement of intention to leave.
There is really not much you can do. If he ever does what it takes to change, he will do it from within himself, not because of you.
I know what it is like to watch a loved one kill themselves by drinking or drugging. In 2008 I lost a 40-year-old son from heart failure due to drug abuse. Then in December my 51-year-old daughter died from liver complications after years of drinking.
The question to ask youself is whether you would be better off (financially, emotionally, spiritually) if you were alone now (with his support, of course), or whether you would be better off if you were alone after watching him slowly commit suicide.
My heart goes out to you Brendalee.
Dear Mildred,
If he is ‘absolving himself,’ he is making his drinking about other people, not himself; not a good indication of insight.
Dr. Neill,
Thank you very much for your kind response. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your son and daughter — I am very sorry for your pain and heartache.
Thank you for clarifying what you wrote about abuse and codependency. I guess I’m lucky in that my husband is not abusive at all, not verbally or mentally. Although, I guess one can say that by choosing to drink instead of living a good life with me is in its own way abusive to both of us.
I will think about what you said, but at this point I do think I’m better staying put. We don’t have any children, if we did, I would not want to stay. So I guess for now I’ll just maintain the hope that he finds it in himself to make some changes for the better before it’s too late.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post.
Take care,
BL
I believe I am married to a functioning alcoholic. My husband has been a good provider and a good father to our two children. He has now retired and has lots of free time on his hands. Some time ago, I told him I would no longer be buying his alcohol. He now spends most of his free time at a relative’s home where he is free to drink as much of whatever he would like. Although it is a short drive home, I do worry about him driving in this state. I would have to say vacations are the worst. We usually take vacations with groups of family and friends, so he has opportunities to get away from me. He especially enjoys cruises, where he is free to drink the afternoon and evening away. He has tried to moderate his drinking in the past, and has been quite successful at times. He has had some health scares concerning his blood pressure, but I’m not sure he realizes that excessive drinking has probably caused him to have high blood pressure in the first place. My personality has definitely changed over the past few years, as I have tried to detach myself from the situation. I used to nag him about it, but now I try to remain quiet. I am at the point now of really resenting him, and have a lot of anger built up inside of me. I am a master of the “silent treatment”. I am worried about what will happen to us when our youngest child leaves home next year to be married, as we have really drifted apart. I have always felt like divorce is out of the question for me. I still love him, however I do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking.
this is where i am right now..deciding if i should end our relationship of 7 years…my husband hasn’t been home for 2 days since I read him the article “That fuctioning alcoholic is your husband”…I didn’t even finished it before he snapped and stormed out…over the years..i’ve tried different ways…we’ve fought over it…every time after a big fight..he decided to quit…but the longest one lasted for 6 days…you see..the problem is that he is a foreigner in this country ( we are in China) and he doesn’t speak the local language…so it’s difficult for him to have friends…because he only chose ppl who drink to be his friends..that means when he stops drinking, he has no friends or other family except for me…I can see that he is really trying…trying to make this relationship work and I believe that he loves me very much…he came to this country for me,you know..and when he is sober, he is such a nice guy…but when alcohol gets into him, he changes into a different person…..so…over the years..i guess i’ve changed too…when we first got married, i told him everything..but then i found out he pretty much doesn’t remember anything i told him because he was drunk,so gradually, i stopped talking to him..sometimes i don’t even want to listen to him talking while he is drunk…you know…it’s hard to take any of his drunk words seriously…since he likes his quiet time with his drinking buddies, he refuses to do any part-time job…so it was at the begining of this year when i decided that i should be financially independant…i took up several jobs and i doubled our income and thought more money would make our life easier…but at the same time, i started to spend a little more as well..thinking why can’t i spoil myself and buy sth i want when he is burning all the money on booz…so the situation now is that …i work all the time and we still don’t have much saving…the last fight we had..he said ‘ he didn’t have a wife to talk to for ages..coz i never listen to him..and he blamed me for not being able to save any money and he even accused me of spending money on another’ man’…….so here i am…chewing over this question…what should i do? should i give up on him and on this relationship? What to do with our 3 year old daughter? she doesn’t look like chinese at all…so the first question she gets from every stranger is ‘where is your father from?”…i can’t imagine what damage our seperation would do to her…But it seems impossible for my husband to quit drinking in this country..without any professional help and support of any friends…PLEASE HELP!
let me rephrase it…sorry..im not a native speaker..:) btw..he did successfully change whisky drinking to beer…and he gets seriously drunk less often..and he doesn’t start to drink until lunch time..though he has to have about 10 cans everyday…
Anna,
You are in a tough situation. As to your daughter, I repeat what i sad to Annie: Another article I wrote might be of some help regarding the question of your daughter. http://www.neillneill.com/154/unhappy-marriage-for-your-children/
You and your husband might both benefit from reading my book. You can order it from Amazon or right here.
Janet,
Been there. Unhappy and resentful, but divorce unthinkable. I had to realize I was not obligated to be unhappy. I didn’t like what I was becoming.
Divorcing, in spite of my beliefs about marriage, was a very important and positive life decision.
There is more to life than silent suffering.
I think I’ve been in denial about my husband’s drinking because he usually just drinks beer. However, he drinks at least 4 – 8 a day after work and if hard alcohol is available he goes for that first and he will drink it straight. On his days off he starts drinking in the morning and has an open beer going for most of the day. He got a DUI just before our daughter’s first Christmas and because that was a miserable experience for our family and he backed off significantly for about a year after that.
Our daughter is now 11 and his drinking is as bad as ever. He has let himself go, he doesn’t shave or shower as often as he should, he doesn’t participate in any sports or activities anymore, he doesn’t sleep well so he is always tired and he has become very unreliable in everyday committments for the family and basically lazy.
He is a kind and gentle person and his drinking just makes him "goofy" but I can’t rely on him as a partner because all of our time together is altered by his "buzz" and "goofy" behavior. It’s so embarrassing socially that I just try not to have him with me when I go places. I don’t drink at all because alcolism runs in my family.
I just don’t know what to do. I love him but I’m not going to be a nag. I don’t know if he is having a negative influence on our daughter because he isn’t violent..just grumpy. I don’t think our marriage will last though if he doesn’t step up.
I don’t know who my husband is anymore. We have been together 4 years and I never see him anymore. Tonight he says to me he just has to go to the bar because he is just feeling ansy and doesn’t know why. He goes 3 times a week a least. Everyday after work but 3 or 4 times a week he goes back.
He comes home around 3 and he wakes me up by screaming at me about just random things. I still have bruises from last week.
I don’t know what to do. He went a whole 36 hours without even seeing our kids.
It just keeps getting worse. I don’t have a job. I don’t have family. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Claire
Thanks Little Lou, I hear you. I have just made my alcoholic (former) partner leave my home. We have known each other 18 months. It was a worldwind romance and he formally moved in with me in June. I knew by then he had a drink problem. I had already felt confused and cried too many tears over ruined plans etc. He assured me that he recogonised he had a problem and was addressing it. He went into addictions counselling, seemed to sort himself out and moved in. I did caution him that I would not live with him if the secret drinking and lying continued and that if it did, he would have to move out. Needless to say, both the drinking and the lying continued. He did go to addictions counselling, but he lied to the counsellor (what was the point in going? I would never have known if he hadn’t! What kind of crazy logic is that of an alcoholic?). Anyway, he left this morning. My house is peaceful. I’m relieved to be free of the drama. Although there is grief for the loss of what I thought we had and the dreams we shared. I know I must stay strong and not allow myself to weaken by thinking that it can be good and the dreams can be fulfilled.
Please try to get some counselling for yourself. Some space for you to explore your needs and find some strength.
Hello; I have been married for 34 years, and my husband is an alcoholic. We both drink, and have drank the entire marriage, but his drinking is out of control. He lost his job a year and a half ago at the age of 59, right before he was supposed to retire. He got most of his esteem from his job as a GM at a TV station. His alcoholism was under control when he was working, mainly because he worked from 5:30a to 6:30p or later. Now he starts drinking beer in the morning, and goes all day. FIrst beer, then vodka, then wine. Right after he was fired, I caught him drinking out of the vodka bottle at 9:30am. I was shocked, and told him, “I hope you know how serious this is”. He said he was going to try and slow down the drinking, and even told his doctor. But it has just spun out of control. He has always had a love of alcohol. It’s more important than anything to him. He’s made a good living, we’ve brought up 2 kids (our daughter is alcoholic, possibly our son as well). We had a great family life (I thought), but the problem was always there. It is to the point now that I can’t stand the sight of him, and we haven’t had sex for a year. We’re supposed to go on vacation next month, and I don’t want to go. He’ll be drunk 24/7. I struggle with what to do, since I do enjoy a glass of wine myself, but with this economy, I”m not sure I can afford to move out. I have no job, and I turn 60 this month. It’s a hell of a situation to be in. I’m trying to maintain my sanity, and I don’t think I’m codependent, because I don’t support/condone any of this. I’ve had to detach a long time ago. He has been verbally abusive in the past, and I did reach that conclusion 20 years ago. With all this time on his hands, he drinks constantly. HE’s also depressed, but won’t do anything about it. He has no hobbies to keep him busy. He’s in a state of inertia, and lays around the house watching TV or reading all day. I used to have the house to myself, and now he’s in my face constantly. I can’t seem to make a decision here, but if I had a job, it would be much easier.
I keep finding myself looking for answers but having a tough time finding them. My husband (39) and I(44) have been married 10 years and have 2 young children (plus 1 tenager from my prev marriage). My husband’s mom died from alcoholism when he was 11 and his life with his dad, brothers, and new step family was tough on him. None the less, he put himself through college and has a good job as an engineer.
Our life is ok, but busy and stressful. When he doesn’t drink, we get along so much better and the household is calmer. Because of his personality, my husband has taken the role of taking care of everything for us, his extended family, and others. He feels the burden of responsibility daily.
Plus my son’s ADHD, my ADHD and ‘Pollyanna’ view on life and people contribute to his frustrations. He is a realist and a pessimist whereas I am an optimist and that drives him crazy. Those are the reasons he gives for drinking. He is a highly functioning alcoholic (but keeps it secretive) and when I confront him about his drinking, he has a bunch of reasons as to why he does it and why he can’t stop. He is very smart, an excellent debater and minored in psycology so, these discussions we have usually don’t turn out favorable.
He thinks when he drinks, it allows him to be honest with his feelings. The truth is, he is usually mean and has little patience for anything that or anyone that has a different view of things or does something that ‘he’ thinks was stupid. Kind of a ‘how could you do that?’…. I find myself becoming numb to his verbal snipes and we can go for days without talking much. He usually apologizes for what he said but never for drinking. I am babbling, my question is, do I tell our children (14, 5, 3)? They don’t relate his change in behavior to drinking, they just think daddy is in a bad mood. Don’t get me wrong, he is not outwardly mean or rude, doesn’t slur words and is fully functioning around the house. But, regardless, I can tell by his eyes and demeanor when he drinks. Any ideas?
I am so glad someone finally mentioned the fact that their husband isn’t shaving or showering as much as they should. I am married to an alcoholic who is highly functioning (he is an attorney) but also deeply rooted in denial. And the highly functioning part becomes less so over the years. He has completely let himself go (he is 51). He goes days without showering (unless he has a client or court date). He drinks at least a 12 pack a day and consumes alcohol while he drives (the empty beer cans are left in the console of his car). He is completely impotent so there is no intimacy (and at 41, I gotta say, I didn’t intend to give up on sex this early). He does not exercise at all. He just works and stands at his work bench in the garage and drinks and smokes cigars. He passes out around 7 o’clock every night only to wander down stairs sometime after midnight, drink some more, and pass out again during the night. I am in the process of legally separating from him because of his drinking and driving but I can’t leave thanks to having no job at this time. I am financially trapped. There is no codependency and no being enmeshed. I am clear with him that his lifestyle is unacceptable to me. I have my own life, my own friends, I am graduating from law school in 3 months and as soon as I am able, I will be gone. What a waste of a life. I know the instant I walk in (either the slurred word or the glassy bloodshot eyes…) and he thinks I don’t know…
My husband is a alcoholic, we have been married 5yrs together 12, so yeah, I know, I should never have married him.
We have 3 daughters, aged 11, 10 and 3. Over the past 4 yrs he has had so much help to stop drinking, but it lasts a matter of weeks, then he’s back to a pack of beer a night and sometimes a bottle of vodka.
He hates me havin a life. I get moaned at if I say I want a night out with my friends which I don’t see much of anymore.
He had over the past couple of yrs started messing with my head, so it always feels like I am the 1 in the wrong–its all my fault.
I have tried finishing it with him so many times, but he won’t leave and he knows I have no where to go, so I now am at a point where I know now, yes, he’s won.
Dear Anniex,
You would settle for an unhappy marriage to a man would would like nothing better than to be out of the marriage, but is too much of a coward to leave?? Alcoholics have to blame others, so how could he blame you for ending the marriage if he left?
There is always a way, but not always a comfortable way. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your children. Think about what you are modeling. Would you want your children to stay in a bad marriage no matter what?
My husband is an infantryman in the US Army, and over the past 5 years has been deployed 4 times. He has started to drink more each day, going through about a fifth of vodka eaach week. He drinks when I am not home or before I get home from work to “unwind’. He does not show any interest in me and does not seem to care how my day was, etc if he is drinking. He does go to a bar maybe once per week or once everyother week, always with one of his Army buddies. He rarely gets “drunk” but always drinks to have a buzz. I do not purchase his liquor, have confronted him about his drinking and he says he drinks to releive his stress. He says that his heart beats really fast/ flutters and drinking makes him calm down. When he is drinking, he is distant and absent even when in the same room as me. Any advise for my situation would be VERY apprecieated
Dear Steph,
Drinking does help him relax, but it is taking a toll on the family (you) and eventually he may become addicted. It sounds very much like he is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder PTSD. (I’ve been there and it’s awful.) He should get himself assessed and treated if necessary.
The military is introducing new programs almost weekly to help soldiers and vets who have been traumatized by combat. If he gets the help he needs, the alcohol crutch may disappear before he becomes addicted and he can return to living a more normal life.
I am a 30 yr old who married my high school sweetheart. I love him dearly and we have two girls, 9 and 7. we would drink at parties in school and i never thought anything of it. But now, 5yrs into the marriage, 16 yrs together it is becomming a major problem. For the first 8 yrs of my oldest daughter, i didn’t have a car, friends, or any way to go anywhere. Reciently he bought me a car and now i travel. But when i do he wants to know where, when who i saw, and so on. He comes home from work and heads straight to the basement where he pickles his brain (so he likes to call it) until i get the kids to bed, then he goes to bed or wants sex, which i don’t always since he’s drunk, but that seems to be the only way i can get it now. And now he can get it up but it takes forever to finish, i think this may have something to do with his drinking or smoking pot. He rarely helps with the kids, going out or school functions, hardly even tucks them in at night anymore, i feel like an only parent at times. I talk to him and he doesn’t hear me or forgets what i said and this only causes fights later when he says i didn’t tell him.
He doesn’t want me too work, says he has dreams i meet someone and go off with them, i have never cheated and tell him all the time i never would, but he gets very jealous when i go out, even if im with him. I get hit on and he doesn’t say anything to the guy doing the hitting on me, just waits and tells me later how he can’t trust anyone. As far as male friends go, no no no. It would only cause more tension. He says he can see me cheating and no matter what i say i don’t ease his concerns, i feel like he’s trying to push me away at times. I’v also wondered if he’s cheating on me but between his work and drinking in the basement, i don’t think he could find the time.
I am growing and finding myself, i love to hang with friends and wish he would too but he’s usually too busy drinking. He says my new friend is a bad influence on me because she is open minded and will tell him what she thinks but that hurts me, my only frind. He has stopped trying to look good for me other then when he wants sex, like brushing his teeth and showering.
He feels our marriage is great regardless of the number of times i’v told him i’d like him to spend more time as a father and to try not being so paranoid, but i on the other hand feel a marriage should hold more then this. And i forgot to mention he has bad anxiety and takes paxel for it, along with his addictions. My father was an alcoholic and my mother missused perscription pills, and his parents didn’t drink at all.
I am very concerned where our marriage is heading even if he doesn’t seem to see notice its going down hill. And every word i say to him falls on deaf ears.
I have been with my husband for 24 years and have 3 grown up children. Over the years my husband’s drinking has got gradually worse to the point now that I am positive that he is drink driving and he hides the amount he is drinking from me, but i know he has had a lot more than he admits to. He has lost 3 of his very close friends to alcohol related deaths and i thought that this would shock him, but he just doesn’t seem to care and just brushes it off when i mention it.
I have tried threatening to leave and giving him ultimatums to which he responds by saying he hasn’t got a problem and then he doesn’t have a drink for a few days ( or at least i dont think he does) but soon goes back to normal consumption. Everytime i have been ill he totally ignores me for days on end, not even coming into the bedroom to see if i am ok.
At Christmas i found a lump in my breast but didn’t tell anyone for 3 months because i was so scared that he would just ignore me, but in the end i told my daughter and she came with me for the biopsy. Two days before i went to get my results i told my husband that i had been for a biopsy and he went absolutely ballistic smashing the bedroom up and manhandling me to the point that i had large bruises on my arms and legs. He was screaming and shouting at me like he never had before calling me an evil vindictive twisted bitch and telling me that i had only DONE IT ??? to make him look bad. He then proceeded to kick me out of my home. On the morning that i was due to get my results he rang my daughter and told her to tell me that he loved me and hoped that everything was ok with my results… but he then text me saying “im at work till 5…. go home and get your stuff” I just don’t understand how he can say one thing to my daughter and be totally different in a text to me???
We have now been split up for 2 months and i have not heard anything from him at all… I just want him to say SORRY to me, but throughout our whole marriage that is one word he has never used and believe me he has done many many things to me over the years.
I am soooo confused i dont know whats going on…. I did nothing to this man and he has just shoved me out of his life and totally ignored me.
Is this normal for an alcoholic to show no empathy to somebody they claim to love with all their heart? Is it normal for an alcoholic to totally ignore that someone and go about their life as if nothing has happened.
When friends have asked him why we split up all he says is that ” you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors” He never tells anybody the truth and seems to be denying what has happened to himself too.
My house is now a pigsty with motorbikes and engines in all rooms and my husband now no longer works where as before he always went to work.
I am so worried about him but can not go and see him unless he apologizes to me because I’ve really had enough of his behaviour, but i know that he will NEVER apologize to me or admit the breakup was his fault. But i really am worried sick that he is killing himself and don’t know what to do.
Hi Debbie,
There isn’t much you can do for someone when they are intent on killing themselves. Alcoholism is not rational, so bizarre, irrational behaviour, including obvious lying, is the rule, not the exception.
You are worried because you care. However, the best thing for you to do is look after yourself: regain your sense of self apart from him; regain you personal power; do whatever you need to do create a life for yourself.
It appears your identity is somewhat merged with his. That’s codependency, and it can keep you trapped. it’s much too dangerous to go back. So get help. If you were local, you could book an appointment to see me. However, I am also available by telephone.
I have been involved with an alcoholic for 10 years we have a 20 month old son. When we planned our son, he promised along with his family of recovered alcoholics, that he would change…then at the hospital he appeared drunk embarrassed me and family Needless to say, it only got worse. I moved out 2 months ago, but he still comes over and stays and I allow it drunk or sober… now I’m thinking to move back because i never realized how much he really did help me when around…he drinks every night, about 3 24oz, more on Friday nights, weekends, always is out in the barn drinking says to avoid me bitching over the beer….my mother tells me i enable him…, i feel i can’t change him, he does become very mean verbally when drinking has tried help never continues it, anxiety is so high but refusing medication. He tells the doctor i want him medicated.. but lies to the doctor. i am lost we both don’t want a split family but i don’t want my son to follow his foot steps. Will he if we live together again????? please help me
Hello Kimberly,
Growing up with an alcoholic father will have a lot of impact on your son, most of it not good. It could hamper his ability to be a good father, even if he doesn’t become a drinker. The issue of whether you live together or separately is less important to your son than how well you handle conflict. The arguing, meanness and “bitching” can be very damaging to a child at any age, but especially to a young child. It sounds like you would not be doing your son a favor by living together again. I’m sorry it has to be such a tough decision.
Hi,
I met my now husband fourteen years ago, and was new to the community and didn’t know anything about his background or habits. When we were first dating, he didn’t drink very much when he was out with me, but I would find out about his activities from other people who would tell me that he had been out at the local bar, or that he was seen at someones place, etc. A few months into the relationship he began to show up intoxicated at times, or I would notice that different people would occasionally show up at his place and he’d end up drinking with them or just leaving with them even if he had other plans or obligations. It seemed very normal to him.
We had discussions about it, and I broke up with him twice, and even moved away because I had a very good career opportunity and I didn’t have a desire to change his habits or the habits of the others in the community. When I moved away, we kept in touch, and he sincerely wanted to change. Also I was removed from his activities, so they seemed to be less of an issue when there was just the two us.
He proposed and I had to move back to his community because he is self employed and was financially committed to his business. I was reluctant and told him it was too late, but he was persuasive and I wanted to love him. Once I moved back, the old habits were evident. One night a week or every two weeks he wouldn’t come home when he said he would, and say he ended up over at the neighbors, or at another friend’s or at the bar. At first it was every few weeks, then once a month, and now it occurs even less, however, I become very angry that it even happens at all.
His first wife also became an addict (drugs and alcohol) after they were together for over fifteen years, and their kids really suffered. (One is in a gang and the other two have difficulty getting along with others)
I don’t drink, have a good job and we now have two terrific kids so there are some good things. However, I do most of the parenting because his father was a poor role model and his mother died when he was seventeen. He is learning to be a parent through me, but I am sorry to have ever met him sometimes, and would not choose to be with a drinker ever again. I am tired of the pattern. My parents didn’t drink and were very strong people.. Do you have any suggestions/advice to help me to avoid becoming too angry and bitter. I try to keep my identity and my own interests, etc. but often wonder why I didn’t make better choices.
Lana
Hi Lana,
Who among us has not made some bad choices? Never forget that as long as you live, you make choices every day. The key question is, “Are the choices you made today better because of what you learned from the bad choices?” You can get help to overcome your anger and head off bitterness. The problem is that if you succeed, you may choose to separate for the sake of the children and for your own sanity. Is that what you’re afraid of? You have tough choices ahead of you.
Living with a Functional Alcoholic
I am married to a functional alcoholic. I don’t believe in divorce and I believe that alcoholism is an illness. His father, grandfather, and other relatives were also alcoholics. I also believe that even though he has this illness that with proper treatment he could stop drinking.
I am a capable person and I need little help but what I do need at times is a sounding board. I just need someone to vent to once in awhile. In my attempt to find a circle of supportive friends, I sometimes encounter people who to attack and blame me. What I don’t need is more advice or any more books to read. I have read until I can’t see anymore.
Through the past ten years I have suggested all of the usual help methods to my husband. I have asked, discussed, begged, threatened and even left him. He refuses any kind of help, treatment or counseling. He does however admit that he is an alcoholic and has made it very clear that he has no intentions of quitting. Not for himself, me, his son, or for any other reason. He admits that he knows of the dangers. Of course he knows the dangers as I have bombarded him (like people have bombarded me) with every health article and other media I could get my hands on. He is fifty years old and knows he has a life threatening problem/illness and has decided to do nothing about it.
I tire of people accusing me of being an enabler and I wish they would read the definition before they use the word, or that I am somehow causing or helping my husband drink. He was drunk long before I met him and will probably continue to drink for the rest of his life by his own decision. I do not lie for him, buy alcohol for him, or make excuses for him. I coexist with him somewhat independently. I care and treat my own life, health, and marriage the way I want to. HE treats his life, health, and marriage in the way HE decides. I do not let his behavior change mine or who I am.
I feel that I am now in an emotionally healthy place that took several years to come to. In the beginning I fumbled through my own kind of denial which was, that I thought my husband wanted to stop drinking. When I realized that he doesn’t want to stop I had to emotionally fumble through that trauma as well which was a huge stressor in my life. Imagine the love of your life telling you that they intend to slowly and painfully commit suicide. Though I won’t leave him alone or be without him, I do let him know that I do not support his decision. He and I have decided to agree to disagree. I have also made it clear to him that I will not tolerate him bringing his issues into my life. In other words, “do what you’re going to do but keep it away from me”. Things in my home are ok for me now and I can live here. When I realized that his decisions are his to make I had a profound feeling of freedom that words cannot describe! I was finally detached from his issues that were stressing and worrying me daily. Since I discovered that he is a grown man who can make his own decisions the stress has simply left me! In fact, I often say to him, “you’re a grown man; you know what you’re doing to yourself”.
I also have a health issue (no, not an addiction) and my new attitude regarding his illness has helped me to become healthier and happier. I am now less isolated. I now go out with friends and see my relatives. This does not mean that I love or care less for him. It just means that I love and care for myself just as much and I am not going to let him take me down with him. I am as important as he is. I feel I have accomplished something rare and nearly impossible! I have actually learned how to function with a functional alcoholic!
So, I’d like to say this to someone who chooses to live with an addicted spouse. Do what you want to do, AS LONG AS IT IS HEALTHY FOR YOU. Not leaving your spouse does not mean that you are an enabler. Accept your spouse’s addiction as their decision not yours. This is difficult at first but you will love the way you feel when you get there. Remember, it is NOT your job to make your spouse stop drinking; it is your spouse’s job. People will always think they know your situation better than you do and give you conflicting, hurtful, and confusing advice. They will even try to put blame on you. Find safe people to sound off to. Find people who won’t wrongly judge or attack you. You have enough stress and a long, bumpy road ahead of you. Turn to true friends who will just listen and lend their shoulders when yours get tired.
Dear Valerie,
I took the liberty of bolding your last paragraph, because you describe with profound clarity the art of living with an alcoholic and choosing to stay in your long-term marriage .
I would urge every woman who comes here that she read your heartfelt and thoughtful contribution. Thank you, Valerie.
I know my husband is a functional alcoholic.I love this man and would give anything for this not to be true. We have being friends for over 20 yrs. or more. I watch him go through divorce with his first wife(she was addicted to drugs) which was extra hard on him because he was left with two girls under the age 16yrs. When this happen I didn’t notice what affect it was having on the children.
Drinking is what he used to deal with stress or any other emotions. He works over 12 hrs. a day and comes home with beer every night.On weekends its starts early in the morning and continue until bedtime. He’s not to the point of physical abuse. But emotional, verbal,and all the rest is YES.
I’m very God fearing woman and don’t believe in divorce. But I need help and don’t know what to do. I’ve isolated myself from friends and family because I hate the shame of anyone knowing whats this man has turn into my worst nightmare for a husband. All his friends are drinkers that reassure him that he don’t have a problem, and hes entitled to drink as much as he wants in his own home.They all think its funny to talk about who can drink the most beers in a day….. !!!
The arguments have gotten out of control, He blames me for everything when it comes to his drinking. Its really sad that now he don’t take care of personal self unlike he use to do; body to his regularly hair cuts.
We were best friends to each other and could spend hrs.talking;now we have nothing in common to talk about but his drinking problem. I don’t like to be around him and that’s just what this relationship is. He stays in garage until its time pass out. I stay in the bedroom to myself or with his younger daughter when she here. Making sure that she don’t deals with him when he’s drinking.
Please give some advice on how to help him help his self and
what I should do to help myself????
Thanks
Mrs.Why
Dear Mrs. Why,
Probably the best thing you can do for him is to do something for yourself. Alcohol abusers love to have everything revolve around them. Your not telling your friends what’s going on, your discussing his drinking with him, your reminding him to shower (if you do), your not having your own interests and friends and a host of other things all support him in his continuing to abuse alcohol.
I do offer telephone support to women in your situation. Call 1-888-MY-ETHER ext. 04254397
Whether you use my services or someone else’s, get help for youself. What you are living with is sucking the life out of you.
I can really identify with Joan. I’m in the same situation 60 years old, but I’ve detached from him years ago. There is no remorse for any of the pain he has caused us.
My problem is our 5 children although they are good people and out on their own they have adopted a pattern of verbally abusing me and making me the scapegoat. My husband just sits there and watches and almost enjoys it. So I’ve decided to not see them until they can learn to be respectful to me. Of course my sadistic husband enjoys these episodes.
I don;t know if I could afford a divorce now. And since I have a lot of freedom and handle all the finances, I’m OK. I also have 2 wonderful sisters and really good friends who are there for me.
But I feel very trapped. I feel I deserve much better
Barb
My husband and I will be married for 14 years this monday. When I met my husband, he did not drink. He had been clean and sober for 9 years before I met him. 5 years ago he started to drink again. At first it was just social, now its every night, every weekend, every excuse. He blames me. I am a stay home wife, with two sons, who are on their own now. He loves to go out with them and drink.
I feel utterly and completely alone. I do not drink and never have as both my parents were alcoholics. I never wanted to be with anybody who drank. now I am once again, surrounded by drinkers. I have no friends, no job, no skills for a job, and I feel lost. I love my husband very much, he is a good provider, a good father and it was always me and him against the world. Now I feel as if I am on my own. Its me against my whole family.
I do not know what to do, where to go, what to say. I am glad I found this web site. it just might be a start to some kind of change for me.
Thank you,
Debbie
My heart is breaking reading these comments. It really makes me feel that all hope is lost for my marriage. My husband is passed out on the couch as I write this.
I am 30 and a mother of a darling 1 yr old. I met my husband almost 5 years ago and all of the warning signs were there. My gut was screaming at me not to marry him and I did anyway. He made me feel trapped that he needed me and would be doomed if I didn’t stay with him. He still makes me feel that way.
He drank before he took his wedding vows and he came to the hospital drinking to pick me and our brand new baby up to take us home. He has very deep seated issues (father abandoned him at 11, little sister died of cancer when he was 18 and 3 mos later his alcoholic mother committed suicide). He is also Bipolar and takes medication for it. Sober, he’s wonderful. He is a doting dad and husband. I swear it’s the bipolar that makes him want to drink. When he’s manic he feels great and wants to feel even better so he drinks. When he’s low, he’s depressed and wants to drink.
Four months ago he agreed to get help and did 30 days in rehab. Three days after he got out he binged so hard we had to take him to the ER because he was vomiting blood. They said if we didn’t bring him in he would have died. This apparently didn’t phase him. He was very combative to me AND his 76 yr old grandmother, spitting in our faces, kicking us and cussing us. Two days later he drank again and kicked me out. As I was trying to pack stuff for me and my baby he threatened me with a sword (i had already hid his guns). His friend came by to talk to him and he beat him up. Then he started an 8 wk out patient program and has drank and lied to them the whole time tell them that he’s sober. In the past few weeks, he has wrecked his truck twice (one a hit and run) lost our dog (we found her 3 days later) got arrested for public intoxication while urinating in a church parking lot of all things, and the worse thing in my book just happened the other day. He went with his cousin (who is a drug addict) and withdrew our last $200 and smoked crack for the first time.
I have tried detaching but when someone is threatening to basically destroy everything around them I am afraid I have no other choice but to leave. I run a fairly successful business and am so worried he could hurt someone and they could sue and somehow take everything I have worked 9 yrs to build. I don’t know how and why I ever got mixed up with him. I did and do love him. I really was stupid enough to think I could change him and he’s only gotten worse since I have been with him. He knows how to manipulate me though into thinking that he will just get worse or kill himself if I leave.
People don’t understand why we stay, my whole family and friends look at me like I am dumb and want answers from me as to why I stay. It is so hard when the next day the good guy is back and tells you how sorry he is and how much he loves you and the child. He always makes me believe he will try harder. It’s not easy to walk away from someone you love and who is sick. It’s hard to leave someone who has been abandoned by everyone. He literally has no other family besides us and his grandmother who’s health is ailing from all the stress he puts on her. I am terrified that I will leave and he will die and I have to explain that to my child one day.
Yet I am more terrified if stay that she will become an alcoholic one day. I just don’t understand how all these dads I am reading about on here can’t see what they will do to their children. I was a drinker (a lot of it was to cope with him) and a smoker when I found out I was pregnant and alcoholism runs in my family. I could easily be an alcoholic and I think I pretty much was one (I drank a bottle of wine a night and then some by myself). But I stopped smoking and drinking on the spot when I found out.
When I look at my daughter I draw all the strength in the world from her. I would give up anything including my life for her. She inspires me to be the best person I can be. Why can’t he get it? I stopped cold turkey with no rehab, and he’s only getting worse.
I have a 3 year old son with my “Boy friend” whom has progressively been drinking more and more over the past 6 years . He drinks about (4) 32 oz. beers a day. His first stop after work is the corner store at which time he will purchase 2 beers. By the time I get home from work he has gone to the corner store at least one or even two more times and is working on his 4th 32oz. beer or sometimes even more. He is loud and sometimes very aggressive. We have no relationship because he is so selfish and is unable to think about the feelings of those in the house.
I have started making plans in my head about how to leave and do it somewhat peacefully. I am just at my breaking point to put my plans in action. Although I am scared on how I can be a single mom again only this time with two children.
He apologized to me this morning for being verbally abusive last night. I told him his apology means nothing any more because he still continues to act out. He is on edge of losing his family yet he doesn’t care.
I have no addiction issues nor does anyone in my family so this is all new territory for me. There is no easy answer to my situation, especially when children are involved.
I got married in 2007. We had not dated for very long. But he seemed like a wonderful guy. My sister knew him and all of us attended the same church. I thought we had the same beliefs, overall morals. Not saying that anyone is perfect all of the time or anything. His father is a pastor that teaches in another state. But I understand that none of this is their fault, but I trusted that he had some principles instilled in him that I also have. I think that he does. But anyway… I knew him for a bit before 2006 he had helped my sister and her husband paint their house and he was a handsome, personable, seemed like kind hearted individual. Everyone though he was great including me. I had recently gotten out of a verbally abusive relationship with at different man I had dated him since I was 19-23. I guess at the time I didn’t realize how bad he was everyone told me, I just dealt with it and thought oh no he loves me. He ended up hitting me and I left in 2006 and then ended up dating the guy that helped paint my sister’s house.
It was wonderful, what a difference, he came to pick me up, he took me out to eat, my family liked him, he was sweet, not to mention very attractive, everyone thought he was a good guy, including me, I was completely impressed and we really started to understand eachother mentally and had a fun. He would pick me up and we’d go out to eat. He drank some, but I thought it was just socially or you know we were on a date, I sometimes would drink one or two drinks but nothing major.
He proposed to me three months later. I was sooo excited, here he was finally a guy that understood me, had same values, same ducks in a row, family and friends liked him, and I found him extremely attractive. I admit it had only been a little while, but I had stayed with the last guy for 4 years…. and well I guess he really never wanted to get married, and since he hit me and all guess i gave up too. But here was this gorgeous, understanding man who wanted to marry me and I thought we had a lot of beliefs in common.
So we got married in July. I did notice some drinking things. I told his family about my concerns, but you know we were going to get married in july and this was may or so and so they didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Guess I was just trying to figure out whether the drinking was just social or not. But he was 33 and hadn’t been living with is parents since he was 18 so guess they don’t really know what he’s like at home anyway. I was 24. They are not to blame, just I voiced some concern. Then I told him that I wanted to wait 3 months or that … I wanted to postpone the wedding. He sobbed and pleaded on the floor, I am sorry I want to get married, I will stop drinking. I will…. Me being way too sensative believed his plea.
Well as soon as we were on our honeymoon, well why don’t we go bar hopping? and not to mention his temper flared up the whole time we drove on our 8 hour away destination. He just can’t handle busy traffic, it infuriates him. I didn’t really realize that until we drove such a long distance. He gets easily angered by sitting in traffic, throws the f bomb. cusses, drives like speed racer, even though I tell him it bothers me, but he just says, “you need to relax.” “you worry too much.” “you need to trust me when I drive.” even though I am so tailgating this person…we could colide with them at any second if I’m not paying attention.
Sorry .. anyways yeah most of the time at the beach he just wanted to drink. He didn’t even really want to do anything else if you get my drift. Not to mention, this has been the story for almost 3 years now. When we came back from our honeymoon, everything was different. He had 12 beers or more a night all the time, like anywhere from 3-6 nights a week. I told him it was stressing me out I could get sleep to get up and go to work. He was always getting plastered and yelling and cussing at me and tell him me I was full of it. Sometimes even saying things that he said I said to him that i had never said before. Maybe an x I don’t know. if I had to work 1-9 I’d come home he’d be totally out of it. He’d yell at me for about 2 hours and I mean really let me have it verbally, then he’d cry for about an hour, then he’d talk a bit to himself or the poor cat, and then pass out. I cared about him, I didn’t know what to do. The next day he just would be all lovey. Act like nothing happened. And if I was in a sour mood, he’d say “what’s your problem? Why are you in such a bad mood?” Now it’s just, “oh you’re going to argue again?” This has happened to me so many times I don’t even know… just became a routine in our relationship. I tried to tell talk to him to tell him I think there is an alcohol problem. He totally denys everything, there is no problem. So I went a long with it for years. Same thing just kept on happening. Then he did start drinking a bit less, but always had to have the 16oz 6 pack. Lucky for us there is a bar right up the street from our house. You can walk there.
So he had less, I wouldn’t let him buy the 24 pack in the boxes anymore for I knew he’d prob drink it all in a day or within 2 days. So he went to the 6 pack and sometimes would go up to the bar to have one or two more. Or get another 6 pack if we were in an argument about his drinking. I’ve numerous times just gone and sat in my car just to get away from him yelling. I’ve sobbed and talked out my friends and poor parents. Been calling one of my friends I’ve know for 13 years..been calling her since 2007. Just helps for someone to listen. And yes I blamed myself a lot. And he would deny… “I don’t have a problem, I provide, ” then that became the excuss. “it’s not that bad, I go to work everyday, I can have a beer here and there I work all the time.” Well I worked too at a pharmacy and really needed to be alert, but was very tired of him yelling and drinking at night so I could barely sleep most of the time. Got to a point where I had acid reflux I swear because of all the stress, and not being able to sleep. Always wondering what he was going to be like when I got home. Hey one night he might be ok, the next not so much. We’d go to church, everyone would ask him how his dad is. He’d be Mr. Nice guy and talk to everyone, then when we got home he’d drink, or the next day. Just all so confusing and stressful for me too.
Well Feb 2009 I just had enough he came to pick me up at my parents where I had spent the weekend an hour away, we had already had to please stop drinking conversation a million times! He came to pick me up the car and him wreaked of booze. “oh I just had a couple, was shoveling snow and a neighbor offered them to me.” “why are you making this such a big deal?” Then when I was upset he started to drive really fast and started cussing and yelling at other drivers even though he was cutting them off.
I had him pull over and called my dad. I stayed with my parents til April. Then I missed him so much and wanted to make our marriage work somehow. I wanted to get help. I offered to go with him, etc. He woudn’t because he doesn’t have a problem. He was sober for a week. Then needless to say it all happened again, but this time I recorded it it just the audio for myself so the next morning when he’d say, “why are you in a bad mood, ah you want to start this again.” basically the next morning when he didn’t remember, I would and I wouldn’t let myself sweep it under the carpet, not this time!
So I went back with my parents for a month. He did text me a lot while he was drinking and blamed me and text some awful things to me.
Now it is June. I am back at our house again. I wanted to take one last time to see if we could salvage anything. He hasn’t drank for a month. Longest he’s ever gone. But I’m scared, just waiting to see if he can keep it up. And trying to see if his temper without drinking will flair up too. His parents are coming into town next week. He only gets to see them once a year. I know he will be all sweet to me in front of them, like we just have a normal marriage and there is nothing wrong and if there is it is because I am depressed or I am not the most pleasant person to be around either. Which I understand but mainly due to the fact I’m trying to decide whether to stay or go this last time around.
What is your advice? Anybody? I don’t want to bring kids into our marriage it would be awful. I don’t want anyone else to ever have to go through this. He normally doesn’t like me in that way anyway… I think sometimes he can’t function because maybe because he prob been drinking like this for a least 10 years or more, just no one knew because no one had to live with him before. Or at least they don’t know how bad it can get. I’ve made it clear to him if he gets so drunk and yells at me again I’m gone. I’m tired of wasting my life and worrying about it. I will really have to go back to school and live with my parents for a while, but just glad that I have a place to go. But I don’t want kids with him, guess just have to grit my teeth this fourth of july when his parents are in and see what he does. I feel so alone and bitter because of all the things that have happened. I don’t trust him. That’s going to take a long time if he continues to stop the drinking. I don’t want to be bitter, just afraid at anytime he could go back to it. Angry because for so long I’ve just had to shut up and no one knows at church. That’s a good thing. But just so angry that I always have to be the one to suck it up and act like everything is fine. I don’t want to live a lie! I want someone who is genuine and honest and who isn’t addicted to anything. I want to try to fix it? But I don’t trust him at all. That will take a long time to get back. I don’t know whether to stay or to go? Guess I will just have to see what he does for a while. Any advice anyone? Sorry so long, just been keeping it bottled up inside for 3 years …except to my family and friends.
My husband and I are newly married (1 year). I have 4 children from a previous marriage and he has 2 and I am now 2 months pregnant with our first. We married quickly but knew each other for a while before ever dating. We would have drinks together on dates and everything was fine.
After we married we quickly started fighting (all verbal). I have never been a fighter. I’m laid back and can easily talk things out and move on. The fights we had would always escalate to screaming and crying because he would be soooo unreasonable, immature, and spiteful. He’s not at all like this when sober.
I believe he is a functioning alcoholic. Great father, great with his family, hard worker, stays in shape, eats well, and we are great together when he’s not drinking. But he drinks EVERY night. At LEAST 2-3 glasses of straight vodka and then he moves on to beer. Sometimes it’s fine. Most other times he falls asleep on the couch and I go to bed alone, and there is no sex unless it’s the next morning. Other times, there are the fights. I guess about once a month, but sometimes more.
He belittles me. Calls me a liar. Says I don’t do anything to raise our kids properly or discipline them. he constantly says he can do anything he wants with out any “permission”" or with out discussing it with me including “raising the discipline to the next level” with MY children…. Many times He is over it in the morning and sometimes I get an apology, but the same topics plus new ones get brought up again later when the drinking starts. I try to avoid this by not responding to topics that might be serious or might push a button with him, but it’s getting to the point that I feel scared or nervous to even be around him once he’s started drinking since he might go off.
He’s moved on to stronger discipline with the kids, or yelling at them, or griping at me about them which I can’t just avoid like the topics that might just address us. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just gather up me and the kids and leave every night while he drinks….I don’t want to walk on egg shells every night but can…it’s a shame though. He’s a VERY strong and confident person and VERY much in denial. He gets very upset if the topic of his alcohol is ever even brought up.
I also think he might be some what narcissistic..? he always talks bout how great he is and how people copy him or want to be like him and how EXTREMELY successful he’ll be one day. I think confidence is great, but most people find his level either laughable or outright arrogant… I don’t know what to do. I’ve looked at Al Anon and will go to the next meeting but I did go to a chat room of theirs and it seems much like just talking and no direction as to what to do. He won’t ever consider counseling. His ex called him an alcoholic and his divorce decree even says he can’t drink in front of the kids (but he does). He’s a great guy…but needs help…I know he won’t get it unless HE wants it….
Big topic I almost forgot. He was addicted to speed for about 3 years. He’s tried almost every drug out there. he called himself out when he hit bottom and told all of his family and detached himself from that world. That was about 4-5 years ago. I’m always worried about that too…
Hi Emily,
You didn’t ask for a reply, but I will comment on one point anyway. You say “he won’t get it unless HE wants it.” I disagree. He
does get it, but he won’t do anything about it until HE is ready. As it stands there is no incentive for him to change anything. His bullying keeps you under his control and allows him to keep on drinking. If anything is to change, first you must change. You may have to go the way of his ex, but there is no way of knowing in advance what will happen with him if he can no longer scare you and bully you into silence.
Best wishes.
get it.
Dr. Neill, thank you. My husband is an alcoholic, and I’m afraid that I have slipped into the codependency role you mention in your post, and I don’t want to be. The stress is taking a toll on me, and our son, who just does not deserve this at all. I have one question I hope you can answer for me, please:
Is it dangerous for alcoholics to stop drinking alcohol all at once? This is the only reason I still buy his alcohol, because I’m afraid that it is dangerous to just stop altogether, without him being weaned off by a medical professional. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, so getting him to see a doctor about the alcoholism is impossible right now, there is no reasoning with him anymore. Lately, in sheer desperation, I’ve been gradually watering down his Vodka, managing to replace the alcohol by increasingly small amounts of water, without his realizing it, but I’m afraid if I water it down too much he’ll notice, or that it may become dangerous for him.
Any advice?
Thanks
Dear At the end of my rope,
Yes, stopping cold turkey can be dangerous. It’s much safer to do it under a doctor’s supervision, even better in a detox facility. He does know he has a problem. He just doesn’t want to face it.
For things to change, first you have to change. At present he has absolutely no incentive to deal with his alcohol problem or even admit he has one. You could start by talking with his doctor, even if he has forbidden it.
Do what you have to do for you and your son to make sure the present doesn’t continue.
Best wishes.
When I first met my husband I drank as badly as he did. But i became pregnant six months into our relationship. So i quit. His drinking increased. But we got married before the baby was born. Now its way worse. He gets drunk and verbally abuses me but doesn’t realize what he is doing. I have poured my heart out to him telling him what he is doing to our family and he says he will “do better”, he is “sorry” but it only last a couple days and he goes right back. He is unemployed and I work hard to support our family. He doesn’t seem to appreciate it, and he doesn’t give any attention to me or his kids. he sit’s in front of his playstation and drinks.. that’s it. I LOVE him.. i don’t wanna divorce him. but it’s just to the point I am unhappy most the time. Can you offer any advice???
Hi Panda,
Your unhappiness is your center telling you that something has to change. You have to be safe (no abuse) and get a life. If he continues to decide he doesn’t want a life and would rather just kill himself slowly, then you may have to leave him. You are both being less-than-ideal models for your children. He models the irritable, withdrawn drunk. You could be modeling the long suffering woman who stays with her man no matter what.
What I’m suggesting, Panda, is take stock of you life and then take charge.
I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 10 years and have 2 children and 2 step children with him, who have lived with us full time. I feel physically sickened by the sound of a can being opened, even if it is a soda because the sound just makes me think of my husband opening ANOTHER beer. I go to bed alone every night while my husband stays up and drinks.
I feel so much anger and resentment for the years of incidents we have had to deal with surrounding his drunkenness. I feel hatred towards him when he is drunk, when I hear him slurring I tell him to stop talking to me. I feel sick physically.
I am currently in college and I know even when I am done I couldn’t support my family, I feel so helpless and stuck. I have been to ALANON and feel like they are so different from me, they are all either divorced or their spouses no longer drink. My husband does not want to stop drinking.
I cant live this way forever, I just don’t see a way out and it is depressing and daunting. I have gained excessive weight and gone on anti-depressants but the problem isn’t mine to fix. I don’t know what to do. I am a wreck and he drinks his way through life as relaxed as could be.
Alison, you say the problem is not yours to fix, but you may be looking at the wrong problem.
His problem is a deep unhappiness, and facing it is painful to him…so he chooses to drink to reduce the pain, but at the expense of his family and marriage. He continues to do it, and will continue to do it, because there are no consequences. The drunk is seldom the one to initiate change; rather, he avoids change by drinking.
Your problem is that your body continues to tell you (“anger…resentment…hatred…sick physically…helpless…”) that something has to change, but you choose to wait for him to do it. He won’t.
I’ve been there…in a 10-year committed marriage full of crazy-making behavior, sinking lower and lower in any sense of self. Eventually, I had to give in to my body, give in to the messages the universe was sending, and do something completely contrary to my beliefs: end the marriage. There were awful consequences, but it was the right decision.
Your job is to make some new choices about how you will live your life. It is not your job to know in advance how the details will unfold. (He will be a part of how you support your family, just as he is now, but how you will get there is unknowable.)
You have my very best wishes.
I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years, and I knew he was an alcoholic before I married him. I knew having children wouldn’t fix it, but I still chose to have kids with him. We have two young children and I’m currently pregnant. All were planned, even though I knew it would be difficult…. especially this time because he’s in school and not working. When we have enough money to pay the bills and support his habit, things are easier. Now that we’re on a strict budget, and can’t afford to support his addiction, we’re fighting more. I’m considering getting a separate bank account to deposit my check, and giving him money for gas, just to insure our money goes where it needs to go, otherwise we don’t have enough money for bills, food, or gas, but of course he’s going to be really upset if that happens. He’s never been abusive in anyway. However, it can be difficult to have a serious conversation with him when he’s had too much to drink because you can’t reason with him. I know I must sound crazy for having more children with someone who has these issues, but he is a good father, and for the most part a good husband. I just don’t know what to do, and I’m feeling stupid for allowing my life to go in this direction because I could have made a different choice, but then I wouldn’t have my beautiful children.
My husband & I have been together for 6 years and we have a 7 month old boy. It really is since our son was born that my husband’s drinking got way out of control. He has had episodes before but then periods of good times. He’s always been a really heavy drinker and maybe its only now that I really see how much he drinks. I guess I kind of turned blind eye for so long. I am holding out that there will be more good times ahead but he just lost his job due to his drinking and immediately got another job so he thinks like he’s invincible. He drinks mostly straight vodka and often waits for me to go to bed before he hits the bottle really hard. The weekends are an exception though that’s when he can drink during the day or afternoon depending on his mood. I also think he’s clinically depressed.
I agree that I am co-dependent but I need time to get my career back on track after having a baby. He gets mean when he’s drunk but I am so mad that he’s not really operating at full capacity and things get messed up, wasted, destroyed all the time. Its so frustrating that I am essentially alone every night being the responsible parent looking after our baby. If I go out to get something he passes out on the couch and is so inebriated he doesn’t wake up when our son is screaming as I walk in the door. After a year of this spiraling out of control this weekend I smacked him across the head when he said some really cruel things to me. Things are bad and I don’t know what to do. I totally get the anger and hatred that is building up inside me like the previous person said. I look at him with absolute disgust whenever I see him wobble in the door. Reading all these comments it looks like the only answer you give is to leave. That’s basically it. There is no other solution offered. All the advice seems to be black or white.
My husband is a highly functioning alcoholic. He works hard around the house and work. The alcohol does affect his quality of work and has caused me to be embarrassed many times. He went through treatment for cancer due to his drinking and smoking. Then, he went right back to both. I have been to a few al-anon meetings and felt like it was just a gripe session.
The biggest problem I have is that we adopted a 10 yr old boy last year. He sobered up and things started out pretty well. Our son adores him and thinks my husband can do no wrong. I am usually the one that is the problem because I get angry over his drinking and irresponsibility. Our son only sees that they play and have more fun when Dad is drinking. This little boy has never had any stability in his life. He has been in foster care his whole life. He finally has parents and a home, family, pets and consistency.
I am the one who is always mad, crying or causing turmoil. We both drank when we met, but I quit and he drinks a lot more. He has been through detox and does well for a while. Our family and marriage was FANTASTIC when he was sober. I don’t really like him when he drinks because he becomes “simple”. He slurs words, bleary eyed, can’t think straight and neglects eating, locking the door or being a responsible parent. He is never abusive, just the life of the party and the fun parent. He forgets everything to have a good time. Our son thinks that is okay.
I am a strong woman and would have no problem leaving and being on my own. But, our son would want to be with him over me. He has a problem attaching to women due to his past and I would lose both the husband and the son. Our son thinks my husband can do no wrong. Even when he screws up, our son defends him. So, how do I walk away from a child that I have waited my whole life for? How do I break up a family that has just come together? I can’t put this child back into the turmoil he has had his whole life. I also can’t keep myself out of depression and anger bouts.
I am thinking of getting some counseling for myself. That won’t fix my husbands drinking problem or my distrust and dislike of him. I just want to smile and not be mad or depressed.
I have been married for almost 7 years. My husband definatly has an alcohol problem. The first 2 years of our marriage was great, but the past 5 have been an endless roller coaster ride. He is self employed so he works (so called) all day. He’ll come home late with a half a case of beer , then stay up and drink. We have 2 young children in which he rarely has anything to with. I barely see him but when I do he is drinking. I mainly want to just get it aired out in hopes to maybe feel better.
He has admitted before he has a problem but will do nothing to seek help. He is selfish and thinks only of himself. I’m very tired of living like this because it’s not living it’s barely surviving. I’m a homemaker and take care of everything involving our 2 young children. I manage everything now and it’s tiring now that I can’t count on him. I feel abandoned, betrayed, and sickened by the sheer thought of him. The only time he wants something from me is when he gets in the mood and tries to wake me up at 3 in the morning. Then after I refuse him he becomes verbally abusive. I hate going to sleep for the fear of him coming in and starting his tantrum. I have stopped trying to stop him because the last time I tried he started drinking during the day to try and hide it from me. I don’t want me or the children around him anymore but I also feel stuck financially. I dont know what to do or maybe I’m too scared to admit what I have to do.
I am finding this to be a very interesting topic. I believe my husband to be a highly functioning alcoholic but it is so hard to be sure what the difference is between excessive drinking and true alcoholism. I first noticed a problem maybe 15 years ago or so. I found a bottle of liquor hidden among clothes in the basement where he spent time on the computer. Then I found another and another.. Upon confrontation I would get silly answers, such as “It is convenient to have the bottle there”. My husband is very successful at his job but over the years he has lost interest in most things. He avoids contact with me. Comes home late and usually intoxicated, but not falling on his face per se. He never calls. Yet on special occasions he gives me beautiful gifts and lovely cards explaining his love for me. They have lost their impact.. Last week I fished out seven bottles of hard liquor from his workshop. Some hidden in the joists of the ceiling. He refuses to talk about anything of significance. This has led to many resentments and a lot of silence. He does not even acknowledge the bottles. He is simply silent, does not make eye contact. Occasionally he throws a nasty insult my way or storms out of the house. Sometimes for a couple of days.. refusing to pick up his phone. He is withdrawn by nature but in the last few years the silence has become painful. It has been hard for me to accept or even fully acknowledge all this for I have been suffering from panic disorder and agoraphobia for many years now, making me both scared and dependent. However, I am at a point where I no longer wish to live in misery and silence. I suggested my husband leave the house. He did, last Saturday. It makes me very sad. Although I know we can’t go on like this I struggle with both fear and the knowledge of where to go from here. Is there a way I can help this man, the father of my children.. Am I wrong??? IS this behavior, the behavior of an alcoholic?? It has been so many years and so much denial that certainty is difficult and with my limited mobility due to agoraphobia, answers are hard to obtain.
I know everyone has a long story to write, but i just need a few moments. My husband had 2 dui’s before we married and quit drinking completely. We married and he started drinking with friends again. It has been over 8 years now. A couple times I have given the stop drinking or else ultimatum. That lasted for a brief bit both times. He knows he has a problem and he said when his time comes and god is ready for him he ‘will go down to his knees and give himself up.’ I am guessing that means he has no intention of getting help. He drinks 9 – 15 beers a night. ( from the way home from work, 3 in the car, until about 9pm when he passes out on the couch with a can in his hand. I have never let him ruin MY life, but it is really getting bad. 2 kids, 7 and 4, know no different than the way he is. Daddy is always ‘grumpy’ . But now I notice myself being grumpy too. Is leaving the only answer for me? I just don’t know. I have thought about this for the last 6 years.
Btw, he has a great job and is highly valuable and knowledgeable. He does not drink in bars or stay out. He does all of his drinking at home, in the car on the way home, or with our friends.
Help me, I am turning into a sad, not fun, grumpy, 31-year-old mommy. And THAT IS NOT ME.
THANK YOU!!
Julie
Hi Julie,
If you are getting grumpy, take that as a warning from inside of you that something has to change. He admits he’s slowly killing himself. My son was going to stop, by the time he did it was too late. His heart failed at 40. My daughter missed her deadline too and died at 51.
So be you! Do what you have to do to provide a life without “grump” for you and your children. His life and lifestyle are always his choice. If and when he chooses life over slow death, he will get help to change or he will change his life on his own, as many have done. Right now he has no incentive to change: no matter what you have said, you are still there.
Best wishes on some tough choices.
Hi, I am soon to be 27 in a few weeks I have been with my husband for 5yrs. and we share my two older children, my stepson, and 2 daughters we have together. Needless to say we have all the kids and nephew we raise on top of the five we have. When we met I was a lil’ over 21 and sure going out every now and again and having a good time was great but within months I stopped completely but he kept on. And he has drank more over the years than when we first met and it’s always my fault he drinks to deal with me and my constant complaining, and according to him I have no friends b/c I am a b&tch. I lost a lot of friends yes but I call them good time friends not real friends my two closest friends passed away in the past 4 yrs. I feel like I am at a loss I asked him quit frankly to quite drinking about a month ago and he claims he did well the past week it’s been 2 a night that I know of. Tonight I didn’t think he was drinking at all until he took the dogs out got in his vehicle and pulled out beer to hide in his coat. I confronted him and he acts as though there is not a problem with him having a “couple” of beers. This has led to physical, emotional, mental and verbal abuse when he decides to have a case in one night b/c hey he doesn’t have to work tomorrow. I am physically limited to what I can do b/c I have disc degenerative so lifting and doing too much physical work in one day leaves me to a point of having trouble getting around and even walking up the stairs. I am only 99lbs and he can over power me and when he gets to the point of becoming physically abuse a few times a year I can’t barely even get up to walk for a few days some times a couple of weeks. And I feel like I am alone I don’t have anyone to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years, we have 2 children. I didn’t know he is an alcoholic before we get married. He had been sober for a while, but when he started drinking again 11 years ago I was devastated. His father and older borther was an alcoholic too, both of them died years ago.
I was a big enabler and we argued enough because I didn’t have any knowledge about alcoholism. I finally got help of therapy and Al-Anon about 7 months ago. He is a functional alcoholic and doesn’t want to quit drinking. I thought about divorce but financially it’s impossible since I’ve been a homemaker for a long time.
He drinks almost everyday so I practice detachment. I know alcoholism is a disease but it’s still diffucult to understand. When I got angry, depressed and discouraged I go to Al-Anon meeting and learn to live again. Because I need serenity.
I have been reading your site and am in awe and will be purchasing the book. I love my husband more than life itself. We have 4 kids and my husband and I have very flexible schedules and share most lunches together. It is the part of my day that I love. My husbands mother is a 3 time recoving alcoholic, bipolar and has recovered multiple times from prescription drugs. His father has drank every since I meet him. He lives alone and drinks from 4pm to whenever he goes to bed which is usually in the early morning. My husband holds a good job and attends games and helps at kids practices but drinks heavily on a daily bases. I dread 5:00PM if we have nothing going on. My husband goes thru 1/2 to a gallon a liquor every week. He is extremely stressed all the time. If we go out to dinner he orders doubles or triples. But most of the time he drinks alone at home. I am not a big drinker, never drink at home and may have a drink once a month if we are out to dinner. I know my husband loves me but he has said on binges that he wants a divorce and then next day its always my fault. I sleep in a seperate room to avoid intamcy when he is drinking and that has not worked. Recently my oldest daughter told me to go in the other room when I was in my bed because she did not want to hear arguing when he came to bed and that I know how he gets.
The next day she asked what was wrong and I said nothing just not feeling good today and she said “see I told you not to sleep there”.
I have never been one to have alot of friends. I have surrounded my life around my kids, my kids friends parents and my family so I have always kept to myself. I don’t believe in divorce and I truely love my husband more than anything but I am lost and have started feel like I am shutting down and the walls are closing in on me. I am hoping this book works. I know my husband is an alcoholic functioning on most of the time but it has to be lonely in his world. I don’t see how drinking all night alone in your room could be enjoyable. I often tell him that he would chose alcohol over me.
Hi Yuko,
Calling alcohol addiction a disease, which it is not, provides the alcoholic with a life-long excuse to drink.
The information in this article makes perfect sense, be independant so you don’t toil with leaving, I get it. However, I have created and expend more energy into our business, I saved the money for, found, and bought our home, our vehicles, our furniture, our appliances, and so on. My point is, I am independant, I have my own friends (which he LOVES because this is the prefect situation for him to drink “in peace”), I do my own thing. The problem is, we live in a community state, so if I file for divorce, then I will have to pay HIM allimony, and split the profits from the sale of the house with him-and give him a vehicle. So I stay. Feedback?
Hi Tracy,
He’s killing pain of some sort with his drinking, and he’s drinking himself to death. It’s usually a very slow suicide, but not always. If he wants to overcome his alcohol abuse and reclaim his life, there is help. If you want to be happier with your life, there is also help. But you may have to confront your beliefs about divorce. I know from hard experience how tough that can be.
Best wishes, Tracy.
Hi Tiffany,
What you are doing would be more appropriate at 75 that at 45. Is this the life you want? Some people are happy with a pro forma marriage. Are you? What would you like your life to be?
As far as the stuff goes, you built it, so you can do it again if you so choose. If you want better, see a good lawyer. Sometimes a settlement can be reached where stuff replaces alimony.
I’ve had to start from scratch a couple of times. Hard as it was, I’m glad for new chances and new happiness that ensued.
An aside: Judges are often old men who have worked long and hard…and don’t like deadbeat husbands.
I am married to a wonderful man who has a terrible disease. He drinks whiskey on a daily basis. I too have drank but have since stopped. He gets home before I do and is usually drunk when I get home. When he is in this state, he is hard to talk to, deal with etc etc. He becomes the martyr, everything is his fault and he gets mad and irrational and behaves like a child, throwing things down and slamming things. He is now at a point where he thinks I am cheating on him and don’t want him anymore. I am at my witts ends. I don’t know what to do. I love this man more than anything and will not walk away from while he is sickend with this. But I don’t know what to do. When he is not drinking, he is nice as nice can be. A very kind and caring loving man. But the mere smell of alcohol makes him into a mean, wanting the world to end man. He is not physical other than the words he uses. I have contacted my church but have not yet gone that route. I would love to go to Al-Anon meetings but do not know how to do so without him knmowing. He would go through the roof if he found out. Is there any help for me out there? Where does one start to find answers? Please help! I love my husband and want to save my marriage.
Thank you so much in advance!
Hi Chris,
Get this: his alcohol abuse/alcoholism is not a disease. Calling it a disease provides a very convenient excuse to drink. And if he believes he has a disease, the he probably also believes recovery is hopeless. However, alcohol abuse does a lot of damage and can lead to disease, like cirrhosis of the liver, heart failure and another few dozen “diseases.” Given what happens when he drinks even a little, I have no doubt there is brain damage. However, the brain tends to heal itself after the drinking stops. He’s killing himself, so the question I have about him is does he really want to die, or does he just want out of the marriage? If he knew there was hope, would he clean up? Here’s a quiz about rehab options if he’s interested in educating himself.
Eileen and I have been married over 30 years, and we really care about our marriage, so I understand your commitment to your marriage. But you have to look after yourself in a marriage that’s working or one that’s not. If going to Alanon is looking after yourself, you do it regardless of his reaction. You share what’s going on with your friends too, because it’s your life. No family secrets! If you want individual professional help check this out.
I guess I am confused now. I have always been told that alcoholism is a disease. I thought we were suppose to help those that had it. I am working on myself and doing what I need to do but I do not want to alienate my husband in the process. He is a great man with a heart of gold, when he is sober. Unfortunately he is only sober when he is at work. What does one do? This is new to me as I have recently stopped drinking and finally woke up. I thank you for any and all advice.
Sincerely,
Chris
Dear Chris,
I can understand your confusion, because alcohol addiction has been promoted as a disease by AA (not by the medical profession) for so long. I suggest you inform yourself by getting and reading my book. There’s a lot in it about alcoholism, as well as a lot for the partner living with it. Unless your husband is seriously into control, how could it alienate him for you to look after yourself? Perhaps if you start looking after yourself, he may too.
Best wishes,
Neill
Ive been married to Pat for 25yrs and he is not abusive or mean he is very friendly. He will drink about a 6 pk a night and once he opens one beer he does not know how to stop. He just keeps drinking til he falls asleep. About two years ago he went to a bar and I had a biopsy done on a lump in my breast and two night later my husband went to a bar and got so drunk he did not come home til the next day, I found out he stayed at a girls house because he could not drive home. Still he would not tell me why he could not call me to pick him up from the bar. I talked to her and she said she was doing him a favor and not letting in drive home drunk. But she seemed so angry at him about something but would not say. So I still don’t know what happen that night.
I am still with my husband and he does not go to bars, but still is drinking at home and I’m tired of the drinking and the loneliness I feel in our home and how my husband seems to have shut his feelings off towards me. I’m am hurting real bad and don’t know what to do anymore with this problem. The talking does not work any more. What do you suggest?
Hi Laura,
The deep loneliness is the most frequent complaint from women with alcoholic husbands. It’s worse than being alone and single. He’s probably not happy either, and he may be secretly wishing you would leave him. But the alcoholic is never the one to make a move. If he left you, he would have no one to blame for ending the marriage. And giving up victim-hood is unthinkable for most alcoholics, even the nice ones.
So it’s up to you to stir the pot. Confront him. Tell him what you’re missing. Give him some incentive to change. (He has none now.) If there are changes, great! If not, it will be up to you to make a change.
I have a few issues with my husband’s drinking, but because I, too, enjoy alcohol I feel like a hypocrite in discussing how much he drinks. It has come to the point that the more he drinks the less I drink. I am disturbed when he has his first drink at nine in the morning, but his rational is that he only drinks wine – never liquor! This man is a retired university professor whose hands shake in the morning before he takes his glass of wine. And, of course, he drinks all day. But, again, he argues that it is not hard liquor and the Europeans drink wine all day too.
I have given up drinking for Lent – he was going to give it up but changed his mind.
Hi Barb,
My own alcoholism was at its peak during my university professoring days, so I know how much we academics could drink. I’ll make a couple of points.
First, it’s irrelevant what form the alcohol is in–beer, wine, or spirits.
Secondly, he right: the french do drink a lot of wine. However, France has the highest rare of cirrhosis of the liver in the world.
Thirdly, yes you both drink, but he abuses alcohol and you don’t. You drive a car sanely, but would you feel like a hypocrite for complaining about someone else’s reckless driving? I doubt it.
Fourth, if you want to drink less, go ahead, but don’t do it for him. That’s letting yourself get hooked into his out-of-control alcohol abuse. It will accomplish nothing good…and you could become resentful.
Wow! I had more to say than I thought I had.
Best wishes, Barb.
Hi, I am glad I found this post. I am a 26 year old mother of one boy (5). My husband who is 30 drinks and average of 28 beers on the weekends, and 14 beers a night during the week. He works as a roofer, but the odd day he doesn’t drink. He’s very quiet and un-loving. I don’t know what to do anymore..my son is always asking why “daddy is sick”? this hurts me..and I have left before, but always come back. We both come from alcoholic families..his father died at 47 from drinking. He has never been the same since that day. He tells me hes going to die young just like his father, how can I help him? He’s so young..I don’t want my son to be without his father. What are the best steps to take? I left him for a year once, and he still drank.
Please Help! I feel so alone.
My heart goes out to you Laura. One way of looking at what he is doing is he is committing suicide. A young dad, working, loving wife…there’s no present reason for him to be so unhappy. With professional help he can deal with his demons from the past and live a happy life. but that’s his choice. Meanwhile you have to look after yourself and your son. If your husband takes action to turn his life around, great! If he doesn’t, then you’ll need to leave him, unless you want your son to copy his dad the way your husband is copying his.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have an 8 year old and a two year old. I don’t drink nor do I do any drugs. My husband suffers from degenerative disc disease in his back. Something inherited form his dad. Anyhow, 2 year after we were married, he hurt himself at work and got unemployment for about a year. We separated. We were having lots of problems at this point already but we decided to stick with it. I had been working 2 jobs for most of the time we are married. He had a tubing accident while we were separated and he tore his ACL and had knee surgery. He stayed at his mom’s house for the whole duration. Anytime I called him or came by to see him, he was drunk or drinking. I just figured he was in pain and that was helping him so I didn’t think much of it.
I moved to an apartment with my daughter and he eventually moved in with us. He drank a lot. He was out of work and he was majorly depressed. He was on pain meds for his back and was not taking those properly at all. I came home one day and he was trying to commit suicide in the bath tub. My daughter was home from school already and I didn’t know what to do. I called his mother and we admitted him for detox. He was in the facility for 1 week. It did nothing unfortunately because he still drank. He started hiding it in the house, because I told him it was not allowed. He finally got a job and probably worked for 6 months before he hurt his back on the job. He collected workman’s comp for a good while then got a settlement. He was again still drinking, hiding, sneaking around. He started stealing out of the bank account large sums of money and would lie about it.
One day, he picked up my daughter from school and there was an accident. I had to go pick her up because he was drunk, high, and non-functioning from combinations of who knows what. DDS was involved in our lives for the next year because when he was tested… he was positive for cocaine also. I was completely overwhelmed.. I didn’t think my family would ever have such problems. Just afterward I had my 2nd daughter. He stayed in our home while going through treatment and he watched the girls for me when I worked… supervised only. He was in treatment and was able to go to another facility for drug rehab for a month. He came home and was “sober and clean” for a couple months. DDS ran from Jan -Jan. and the minute his monitoring was lifted.. he went back to doing it again. I kicked him out of the house and he’s been living at his mothers for the last year. We fight like cats and dogs… I cannot trust him but I need a sitter for my girls. I work long hours to make sure everyone is alright. He does not work now and hasn’t for probably the last 3 years. No income at all. He’s trying to get disability but it”ll probably be a while before he can. He’s only 32 and he’ll be rejected. He was supposedly sober for the last year, but in November he was drunk on the cruise we took, and then I found out in Dec when he came home for a week, he was still drinking and in Jan when he wanted to come home again. I’m pretty sure he’s still drinking.
I’ve been looking at my options on divorce and what to do with my home. I have a big double wide on his parents land and just want to leave it. But he can’t afford it so I’m stuck. I make good money and I could just move and find another house. I feel like I’ve been through enough and I’ve tried so hard that I don’t think I have anything left. I want him to be OK, but I want to be happy too. He comes home from fishing trips drunk and picks fights. The girls have to go through all the yelling and fighting. They don’t deserve that. I told him that he could have the house but he has no money. What do you suggest.???
Dear MotherofTwo,
You have certainly gone the extra mile, and you’re right, you and your daughters have a right to be happy. What you have been modeling while together or when fighting is stay together no matter what. If that’s not what you want, and I’m sure it isn’t, then you’ll have to move on. Of course you want him to be OK, but staying with him isn’t helping. You’ve certainly put that to the test.
You may have to walk away from the double wide on his parents’ land, since you won’t be able to sell it. Perhaps he and his parents can handle it. Babysitters can be found and they cost money. Don’t expose your kids to any more abuse than necessary. It’s an adult matter, not something the children should have to suffer through.
On your own see a lawyer, because you need to make the split with a legal agreement so he can’t come back on you later, demanding support, or run up a huge debt while you are jointly responsible. You might believe he would never do that, but there is no predicting what a future partner might push him to do.
Then as you move forward, get some professional help in unburdening yourself of the inevitable shame and regret.
Best wishes for a new beginning.
When I met my husband 6 1/2 years ago…I didn’t see any problems with his drinking…as I was participating in it as well. When we started living together is when I noticed the real issue. We have now been married for almost 4 years…and things are rapidly deteriorating.
My husband will be graduating from college (at the age of 28) in one month with a degree in Marketing. He is by far one of the friendliest people you will meet…and unless you are very close to us, you would never be able to tell there is a problem. My husband has always drank every night from the time he got home until bed…but recently he has switched from mainly drinking beer to drinking massive quantities of liquor. (750mL bottles in about 12 hours total). He knows hes an alcoholic, but believes there really is no problem since he continues to go to school (maintaining a 4.0 GPA) and works 2 jobs as well. The problem is…when my husband drinks, he becomes incredibly mean. There have only been a few instances in which he became physical (an never towards me or our 2 daughters, but rather things like punching the wall, etc). His typical MO is saying incredibly hateful things to me.
I actually came on this site because this evening because of a fairly intense argument we had in which he LAUGHED at my hurt feelings and belittled the situation. Anytime I try to share anything with him that is less than positive…he becomes incredibly defensive and starts naming all the things he DOES do. I thought the conversation was over and done with…until he decided he was “running up to get cigarettes, I will be right back…I love you!!”. Its now been 5 hours, and the only contact I have had with him was after he ignored multiple text messages and phone calls from me (being worried about him), to tell me that he had some “thinking to do” and that it “was none of my business”. He then told me he would be home later.
I love my husband and he is wonderful with our girls…but I don’t know when enough is enough. I would definitely agree that I have become an enabler…and readily admit I am co-dependent…but I refuse to leave my husband….I believe in the vows I took which said “In sickness and in Health”….Do I need to just consign myself to the fact that I can either A) Leave him…or B) “there is truly hope that this marriage can work and he can get the help he needs”?
Hi Rachel,
There is always hope that he will decide he wants to leave the alcoholism behind and get the help he needs. His alcoholism isn’t OK. He may be thriving in work and studies, but he’s ruining his marriage and he’s slowly committing suicide, health-wise. Being OK in only one of the three big areas of life just doesn’t cut it. Whether or or he decides to deal with it before your marriage deteriorates beyond the point of no return is the question, and you have no control over that. “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic: A Woman’s Survival Guide” could help you with hanging in there without making things worse while trying to help. It is so sad to see good men wait until they’ve lost their families before they clean up.
There’s another problem. Most of the so-called help out there begins with the assumption that he can’t recover from his alcoholism, but will have to be in recovery for life. That popular belief is simply wrong. I hope he never buys into it. I was in my mid thirties when I left it behind, and I was drinking at about the same volume as your husband (or a little more). I’d have been dead years ago if I had continued. Check out http://overcomealcoholismpermanently.com
I’ve only been married to my husband for six months. He drinks 6 beers a night without fail. I asked him before we got married if it was a phase or if he planned to always drink. He said it was a phase and now every time I bring it up he says he’s working on it, but he isn’t. I’m the only one who knows he drinks so much. I’m embarrassed that our recycling bin is full of beer cans, and I hate the fact that he is in essence killing himself.
I need to know what I should do at this point. I do maintain my own life, complete with friends, family, work and social events, and he does work, he bought our house, and do things around the house. It’s as if the alcohol is just another drink to him, like Gatorade. He started drinking in order to sleep after his leg was broken in a car accident and he never stopped. I don’t want to leave him, but at the same time I don’t know that I want to have children with him if he isn’t going to be able to help 50/50 in all that it entails. I truly don’t know what to do, if I admit to anyone else that he is an alcoholic they will judge me and him, but I’m not stupid, just in love, and he isn’t your typical drunk. The main reason why I want him to quit is for his health, he isn’t mean or hurtful or even horrible to be around, he’s just going to let his liver rot slowly. What do I do?
Hello Jessie,
Your quite right to be worried. He is heading down a dangerous path. I have lost two adult children to liver disease related to alcohol. It’s a slow, and sometimes not-so-slow, suicide. If you stay together, you could be in for a lot of heartache, but don’t give up hope just yet.
Do maintain your own life and don’t get pregnant. However, there’s something you should not be doing. Don’t keep his drinking a secret. The “family secret” is one of the things that helps to maintain an alcohol addiction. Be open with your friends, family, doctor about your concerns. He may not like it, but you have a life and you can talk with your friends about anything you want. That way you are not enabling his alcohol abuse, and his chances of choosing to leave it behind are increased. You might find the book helpful.
Im 21 yrs old, have two beautiful baby’s (aged 2yrs and 6 weeks) and I’m meant to be getting married to my boyfriend of 6 and a half yrs in march 2011. He has lied his way out of a few serious drinking issues before (yes i believed him) and i have caught him tipsy/drunk while at work every now and then, but he always just said he was having ‘a bad day’ and he wouldn’t do it again. About 6 months ago our relationship just died.. There was no fun and i felt he didn’t want me anymore (i was 6mths pregnant).
Then the other night he finally confessed to having a drinking problem. He explained the amount, how often and how he felt about his drinking. I was gob smacked! He says he is ready to give up and he doesn’t want to keep going down this road because he hates that he has lied and is scared to loose the kids and myself. but he is too embarrassed to see someone.
I want to help him but i don’t know how? i would love any advice to help him and try and keep my small young family together and safe.
Hi Shannon,
It’s not promising that he won’t get help, but it is possible that he could leave alcohol behind without help. I know because I’m one of the 5% who manage to do it without help. It is highly likely that he won’t be able to drink at all without slipping back into the old pattern.
The best you can do for your family is detach emotionally from his problem. If he deals with it, great. If he continues on the drinking, minimizing, lying, hiding path, then without visible emotion, take your children and leave.
Hello Dr. Neill,
I have been with my husband for 9 years, three years married and six years living together. Since the day we met he’s always loved to drink beer. He drinks only on the weekends, during the week his behavior is melancholic and rude. He exercises regularly to try to balance out his moodiness, and most of the time it does work. He has a bad temper and tends to throw fits every now and then, all of this is non-violent.
Recently, I caught him browsing through dating sites and I really didn’t confront him. I just mentioned to him that I had a suspicion of him browsing sites that he shouldn’t and he totally denied it. Ever since we had that incident he’s been trying to change. I feel soo horrible, I have to put up with his moods and now this extra stress. What should I do Dr. Neill? Please I need your help!
Hi Marie,
You’re dealing with a tough one. You can’t change him; only he can do that. What I said to Shannon applies to you too:
“The best you can do … is detach emotionally from his problem. If he deals with it, great. If he continues on the drinking, minimizing, lying, hiding path, then without visible emotion… leave. If you decide to take that path, let him know what you are considering, but tell him without emotion. If you show any emotion, that’s a hook that gives him something to argue about.”
You are navigating through a major transition: you are transitioning into a newer, better marriage with your husband or into a single lifestyle again.
Best wishes in your transition.
Dr. Neill Neill,
How do you detach without emotion from someone you have loved for a long time?
Carrie
Hi Carrie,
It’s difficult. Of course, you do have emotion, but showing it to him keeps the “argument” alive. Privately, you may cry your eyes out. That’s your grief over loss.
Detachment is not making another’s problem your own, loving another without taking on their issues. Every doctor, therapist, helper, healer and pastor has to learn how to detach in order to avoid burning out. Parents have to learn to detach.
Dear Dr. Neill:
I just wanted to thank you. I finally hit my own bottom a week ago with regard to my husband of 15 years who has been a functioning alcoholic over the past 10 years. I found this blog post and read it and the comments over and over. I also got support from Al-Anon. I realized what I must do to save myself and our children from being pulled into the abyss with him. I gave him an ultimatum, which he ignored (after all, he doesn’t have a problem!). Today I asked him to leave.
We have a lot of live for, and a lot of good still in our lives. I will attend Al-Anon this week and we both will continue in marriage counseling, albeit individually. Thank you again.
Hello
I am 36 year old Indian who has been married for the last 2.5 years. My husband loves the pub and I mean truly LOVES the pub. He makes plans to go out every week and that’s the way he relaxes. This weekend, he went out on Thursday night, Friday night and Sunday night. Each time, its a 12 hour or more bender. I hate weekends, bank holidays and holidays in general as that is all he ever wants to do. Drink, Drink and more Drink…
I have argued, fought, cried, spoken nicely, ignored…but he always says he will change and it never happens. I would love to have kids and a stable life but this is what I am stuck with. I have a good job and my father died cos he drank too much. I have become a nervous wreck and am not happy at all.
I feel cheated and unhappy. Why do I have to go through his rambling , his bad behaviour and spend hours on my own? I don’t have many friends and even tried alcoholics anonymous for the partners but found it depressing. I am contemplating leaving him before its too late and before my life becomes a complete mess. Am I right in doing so?
Sumitra,
There is no right or wrong; you have to decide what’s best for you. However, what is clear is that you never agreed to this kind of life. He is not fulfilling his side. You feel cheated because you are cheated, and no one deserves that. Look after yourself; his mistress is the pub.
Hello,
I first read your blog in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago, not being able to sleep after a particularly bad night. I’m trying to figure out what to do and hope someone on here may help.
I married a guy I’ve had a crush on since age 13. He was my first love and getting re-connected with him 20 years later was a dream come true I thought. In 2007, I went through a divorce where my husband started cheating while pregnant and I found out about the affair after about a year and a half. I don’t think I was ready to date in late 2009, but he swept me off my feet and I didn’t have my guard up. I knew he drank. I will have a glass of wine if we go out for dinner or get buzzed every once in a while. I didn’t figure out how much he was drinking until the summer of 2010 when I started finding shot bottles everywhere. I have since figured out that he drinks usually two shot bottles in the evening or earlier and follows that by about a six pack as well as lorazapam, (to sleep).
A couple of months in to our marriage I got pregnant as planned. I have a daughter who is a toddler as well. We got married in December and by March, we were going through episodes where he was yelling at me and getting really angry about whatever. We had plans to buy property so that we could have animals. I have an excellent career and earn a good income, however was weighted down by two mortgages, taxes, etc. I expected that he would help financially as I thought he would find a job and was collecting unemployment.
I cannot count the number of times he has yelled at me that I bait and switched him to get him to move, promising things and then backing out. What he says I promised often conflicts with other things he said I promised. While I was pregnant he would apologize for, “overreacting” but then blame my hormones for our problems. My head over the last year and a half has gotten so screwed up. I have basically accepted the behavior of him getting drunk every night; being yelled at and then blamed for it; that I am not doing enough even though I work 10 and 12 hour days with a toddler and infant and pay the bills while he wakes up around 11. I walk on pins and needles at home. I have no where that I can go to get peace. Finally, after another episode where it was my daughter getting lectured meanly about how it was her fault that his untrained dog took her cheese and having her crying in bed and then wetting the bed that night which has not ever happened, I guess I am waking up. I read this blog that night and could not believe that what I was going through was not my fault. I am not perfect and need to figure out what is wrong with me to be in two failed relationships like this. But I know things cannot continue they way they are. I am not myself anymore and am not the mom I need to be. I feel so beaten down and so messed up in the head and feel so guilty. I don’t want to ruin his life or take away his infant from him, but I and my kids cannot be in this life.
Since that night he, as usual, has possibly found work (which has happened before but then he is either stressed or finds something wrong with the work) and signed his dog up for training. There is no room for me to be upset or ever talk to him about anything as I am completely cowed for lack of a better word. In his mind, I am the problem and if I try to say anything I am, “playing the victim.” He is really really charming. His cousin, who is a very good friend, explained to me that his mom does know he is an alcoholic. But no one in our social group I don’t think would believe what goes on at home.
I have come to the place where I just cannot stand him anymore. But then I feel guilty and think I should be a supportive wife. I want out, but know I will be hated. I don’t care anymore. I just don’t know how to do this. I’m not worried financially, which I know I am so lucky on. He has not paid a bill since moving in and I have not combined any property. I am worried about the baby being in his care as he is not capable after about 8 of dealing with any sort of emergency.
I don’t know how to go about the next step. He acts like everything is ok. I’m afraid of his anger. I know he will say I am making these problems. Last summer things got really really bad and he cried and said he understood if I asked him to leave and I so wish I would have ended things at that point. Things only get more complicated as time goes on. What do I do?
Julie
My husband and I have been married for 31 years and we have one daughter who is 29 who is married and lives 3 hrs away. Now that it is just me and my husband, I was really looking forward to re-establishing our relationship. I think he is just happy with the way things are. He is functioning and always brings home a paycheck. He is on blood pressure medicine and drinks ice beer (always 16oz cans) and this stuff called Steel Reserve – High Gravity Lager (24oz cans). He hides his cans so I have no idea how much he drinks per day but I do notice a marked change in his personality and slurring on a daily basis.
Mentally, he is not there. I used to have conversations with but once I realized that he doesn’t remember any of our conversations, I quit talking to him. I am the one to make any household decision since I am the responsible and sober. I have been attending Alanon meetings for the past 2 years and have discovered the detachment process and I have implemented that in my life with him. Because I have detached…I basically feel we are just roommates. We sleep in separate bedrooms due to his grinding of teeth on heavy drinking nites, we have no social life or friends because all of my girlfriends are like me and occasionally have a drink or don’t drink and he claims they are boring and not fun. All of his friends are either divorced or single and have nothing going for them.
I am 52 years old and was cut off from having sex at age 40, he claims its because of his high blood pressure meds and how they affect him. I think it’s funny that he blames it on the meds as everything I have read says you should limit your alcohol consumption if you are on these meds…and he does not. I am bitter and angry and have a fear of being 70 years old and looking over my life and regretting not getting out. I am pro-marriage 100% and never wanted to be divorced but every nite it’s the same thing..slurred talking, no brain waves and basically…no husband, relationship or companionship. It has come down to our daughter and her husband talking to me about his slurring and how gross it is. My daughter does not want to call home or come home anymore because he is always slurring. They want to see me but don’t want to see him. What can you tell me about this Steel Reserve that he drinks. I think he drinks about 4 (24oz) cans of this per nite plus 2 (16oz) ice beers. He says he doesn’t drink that much and it’s the blood pressure meds mixed with the alcohol that is making him slurr.
Dear Ann,
I’m very pro-marriage too. Eileen and I are still learning new things about each other and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company after 30+ years. But we’ve both been divorced, so we both know the difference between a marriage and a…call an empty marriage whatever you want.
You do not describe a marriage when you talk about you and your husband. It sounds like you separated years ago, but neglected to do the paperwork. And now you are losing connection with your daughter and future grand children…and for what?
You are facing some tough choices.
my husband is a great husband and father who has a really great job and provides for his family very well. The downside is that he uses alcohol and the television to drown out his feelings and thoughts. We have 3 small children and when anything of life occurs then he runs to his bottle. He drinks 1.75 Liters of Rum a week, along with beer, wine and other alcoholic beverages.
he is not physical but he is verbally and mentally abusive and blames myself and the kids for his drinking. making comments like “I am going to drink myself to death”
I am just now studying his alcholic controlling personality so any advice would be helpful. he has finally won and has permitted me to no longer communicate with my friends and I am no longer allowed to go to church or serve the Lord there.
Dear Julie,
You are not “playing the victim;” the alcoholic is the eternal victim. Every time he blames you, anyone else or anything else for his troubles, he is playing the victim. He won’t end the relationship because victims don’t make things happen; they see life as something that happens to them. But then they manipulate and lie like crazy make things happen to them the way they want.
What it all comes down to, Julie, is that if you want to get out of this beaten down, messed up guilty feeling all the time, it is you who will have to take action. You’ve already taken the next step: you told your story here. Talk to a lawyer and discuss with the lawyer what you should discuss with your husband and what you should keep private. Do not tell your husband you are going to see a lawyer. You cannot know in advance the details of how your separation and divorce will play out. Your responsibility is to know what you want, not how. Find a relationship professional you can rely on and use his or her mentoring through the process. That could save a lot of pain. I could help you with that; you can call me to discuss if you wish.
We speak of alcoholics as “being in denial,” but their spouses are often in denial too. They may be in denial about the depths of their despair and loneliness, or about the risks to their children’s development if they stay. Quoting the famous C. N. Parkinson, “Delay is the deadliest form of denial.”
Neill
Hi Loren,
You need to hear something rather unpleasant: a “great husband and father” does not verbally and mentally abuse his wife, blame his wife and children for his troubles, bully his wife into isolation from her friends and her religious practices and slowly commit suicide. It sounds like about all he gives is money, and he can do that whether he’s with you or not. You need some solid marriage counseling. It may well turn out that he really does not want to be in the marriage. Then you’ll need legal counsel.
You deserve a life where you can hold your head up, nurture and be nurtured by your support network in and out of your church, be free to raise any subject, and assure that your children have good adult models as you raise them. Do what you have to make things change; you and your children deserve better.
I know my husband is a functional alcolholic, I’ve known it since we met. I was young, 23 and he is 8 years older when we met. He has always managed to deny a drinking problem, and always hides beer, and hard liquor. Recently we opened a business, and the stress has been catching up to him. After 6 short months, he was diagnosed with bell’s palsy, diabetes, hypertension, and high cholesterol. He’s taking pills for these diseases, but is drinking more since there is probably no one to tell him not too at work. Often times he comes home withdrawn, depressed, moody, easily agitated by everything. He doesn’t want to talk or deal with anything. When i ask him what’s wrong he begins blaming me for things that have stressed him. Including decisions we’ve made together that didn’t work out. He really hates me, and disrespectful when i have something to say. We havn’t been able to have sex in months. I have always supported him, emotionally, and contributed financially to our marriage. He is no longer appreciating anything i do. I am ready to move on. I fear he can’t handle stress as much… because he’s drinking more. I know he won’t accept help, because he doesn’t think he has a problem. What now?
Lola,
You have answered the “what now” quite clearly. It’s sad when a man, or woman, won’t face up to an alcohol problem as long as there’s someone else there to blame for his behavior and moods, in this case, you. There is no guarantee that he will deal with it when you are gone, but he certainly isn’t dealing with it while you are there.
I’ve been married to my husband for 11 years. We were high school sweethearts and I married him knowing he drank too much. I didn’t really think he was an alcoholic until we were a few years into our marriage. I was young and could not understand how someone could not control their drinking. I thought alcoholism was just a way to justify why someone drinks. 3 DUIs, a couple of arrests, and a million arguments later I realized that he IS an alcoholic. I read as much as I could on the subject and felt a kinship to all the women who have stories that are similar to mine. I have two children and I know it affects them. My husband wouldn’t admit he was an alcoholic at first. In the beginning he would drink and drink and then drink some more. I would fight with him for years and it didn’t help. Then I started ignoring him but he would not allow that. He would follow me into rooms and be confrontational (not abusive he just wouldn’t leave me alone). If I wanted to get away I would have to go to a hotel. He stops drinking for long stretches. He has went a year without drinking but it always ends the same. He begins to drink again, slowly and then it gets progressively worse. The last time he started drinking again he ended up wrecking a work truck and getting arrested. He was lucky to keep his job. I thought this would be his wake-up call.
It’s been about 8 months since the DUI and he has started drinking again. He was completely denying it but I can tell. It was on the 4th occasion I noticed it (at my sons soccer party) that he admitted to drinking but he said it was only one time. He still won’t admit that its been more than once. Lately he tries to blame me without blaming me, if that makes sense. He will try and change the subject and bring something up that he feels I did wrong. When I call him on this he claims that’s not what he is doing, then accuses me of raising my voice so the kids can hear. The kids already know because he nit picks at my daughter when he drinks and forgets and confuses things. I used to tell him I’m going to leave all the time but now I don’t.
I know not to threaten unless I’m willing to go through with the threat. I’m afraid to leave. I feel horrible, weak and like a bad mother for staying. Like many of these women, I am financially dependent on my husband. I work but he makes much more than me and I’m afraid if I leave he will lose his job. I can’t afford to take care of my children on my own and I can’t afford to stay in the house we own. I told him last night that he is slowly killing himself and pushing his family away but he just told me I was hurting his feelings and that I was being horrible to him. He said, all he does is work his butt off all day. I know one day I will leave but I just wish I was strong enough to do it now. He makes me question the way I feel even though I know I’m right.
Hi Debi,
You may be thinking you aren’t strong enough because you think you have to figured out the “how” details before you do anything. Not so. All you need to start with is knowing that you want to make a move. I can tell by your insights you have the strength. Your first step will be to find an appropriate lawyer and follow her advice on the details. Your children can’t do this; it’s up to you.
Your right, he might lose his job after you separate, leaving you in financial difficulty until he gets another job. But it could be worse: he could lose his job while you’re still together, leaving you to support him as well. Or worse still, he could drink, drive, get in an accident and become a disabled alcoholic, dependent on you for everything.
You are on a difficult journey. Best wishes.
Dear Dr Neill,
I married a “functioning alcoholic” who had been clean for 5 years and like many others on here I did not know the depth of his prior addiction, only that his first marriage had broken down and that he blamed his ex. He has three grown up sons with her, none of whom have a brilliant father/son relationship with my husband. When we married my daughter from previous marriage was only 12 and came to live with us. He began drinking “socially” with me before the marriage then afterwards he began sneaking around, hiding the alcohol and slowly self-destructing.
Our marriage is in ruins; he gives me no money, is mean to me and my daughter, provides his own adult children (one working in a high paid profession and the other studying for the same high paid profession) with lots of money for holidays abroad and other things; he gives the younger one £150 a month to spend on himself; I do not grudge the boys anything, but when it comes down to our own house having a large mortgage, no food in the cupboards and I can’t afford to buy myself clothing for work (I am a secretary and need to look decent for my job) then the resentment and anger has kicked in and the marriage is over. For 2 and a half years we have slept in separate rooms and lived separate lives, me with my friends and him isolated drinking in the bedroom.
He has gone through 1 in-patient detox, 1 professionally supervised home detox, and as many attempts at detoxing himself with meds from the Doctor that I can count.
I have seen a lawyer and we are now going through the separation process, but he has manipulated my “settlement” to his own advantage by controlling me with money worries so that I eventually gave in to much less than I was entitled by law. Up until now I am still waiting for the money to be paid over because until then I have no money for a deposit on a flat for myself and our family pet (daughter going to Uni soon). He argues over everything possible, eats no food in the house unless I have paid for it and cooked it; eats at work so that he doesn’t have to buy food for the house and expects me to support my daughter and myself from my much smaller salary than his.
I have had counselling and I have also studied to become an addictions counsellor myself over the last 3 years. I try very hard not to enable his actions and I care only for the person he is when he is sober which is usually Monday to Friday in order to do his job. However he never shows me any affection and seems only indifferent to me. I fell “in love” with one of his therapists but realize now this was only transference because the guy was being kind to me and basically telling me to “get him out of your life” for my own sake I now know to be the case and not because he was interested in me in any other way; I feel my attraction to the therapist was purely because I was too young to be trapped in a loveless marriage and he was able to tell me that relationships can only work if BOTH parties make the effort and to his mind should be founded in love. I am still here, living the same emotional non-addicted life with a very addicted person who does not want to change.
I hate the thought of him trying to end his life in this way because I am a born carer and always put others before myself, but I don’t think I’m co-dependent any more now do you? If I was it was something I had never heard of before and had no idea what it was until I read Melody Beattie’s books and laughed my head off when I saw myself and of course my husband, who is also extremely co-dependent and realized that was his problem with him and his ex-wife who was also heavily addicted to both his money (still looking for aliment after divorce) and his drinking problem….HELP! I now know I need to run for it as soon as I get my long awaited settlement..Thank you for listening to my rant.
I feel while reading each person’s experience, that I’m reading my own.
Everyone who hasn’t been in our home thinks I’m so lucky for having such a charming husband and I should count my blessings for having a man that is always home and loves his family. My insides twist and I feel like SHAKING these people. I want to invite them into my life for ONE day:
COUNTDOWN UNTIL 4PM; THE STORY OF A WIFE OF A FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC
It’s an average day, a good day…me, the hubby, the kids, were home (he rarely wants to go anywhere), but we’re doing yard work, hanging out, etc.
4 pm hits. My body hurts, I can feel the blood heat in my veins. I find my whole body tense each night at this time. Beer run time for him. Each day I hope he’s filling up the car with gas or running out to get us take out, but it hasn’t worked out that way in six years.
He gets home with his bags of beers. He asks if there is anything he can do to help out with dinner or the house. I say no, and I know this is GO time for him now. I’m snappy at the girls (4 and 7) to get in their rooms. I hurry with dinner and make sure everyone has eaten and dishes are done…I find it easier if we all stay away from my husband.
After dishes are done….I go make small talk so I can gauge the level of grumpiness, meanness and pessimism for the evening. I can usually tell by how dilated his pupils are. His average is 4 40oz (let me do the math for you: 160 ounces of beer) beers a night. He thinks this is normal and says that I’m “just not from the same place as him, where men drink beer all night”. I guess I’m not, but I can’t assume the results are normal.
After 6 years together, I’ve finally learned to not argue at this time, which is hard for me, being a very independent (minus this little issue) and strong woman. But I just nod my head and say “yes, yes” to whatever he’s babbling about or being pessimistic about this time….slowly find a chore to do, and back out from the conversation real slowly. ANY slight word said the wrong way can set him off on a rant about what a B*** I am.
As I’m upstairs, I’m telling the youngest to please not go see daddy for whatever it is she wants to see daddy about. I’m afraid one day hes going to rough-house too much with her while he’s drinking or as has happened many a times before, be a jerk to her. (Normally he’s very loving to her, it’s just when the dark side comes out he becomes ignorant and a horrible example to her.
I’m also appeasing my 7 year old who asks me daily if we can go to a new house with “just us girls” (I have two stepsons who live wiht also, but that’s a whole other story). I tell her soon, soon, soon, etc. She tells me she’s tired of having to stay in her room all the time. I tell her I’ll sneak her a snack to her room so she doesn’t have to go downstairs. She’s his target when she goes downstairs without me (she’s his stepdaugher) and he picks on her.
So I’m upstairs, kids are secured in their rooms. I’m wondering how I can love him so much and hate him so much at the same time. I’m hoping he ate a big lunch and a lot at dinner so it’s a milder night. I find busy work..vacuuming, dusting, laundry, etc. I’m so alone, but there are five other people in the house.
I want to call someone but I’ve lost all my friends. They’ve either seen his dark side and back off, or they’re sick of hearing it from me and back off, or they’re mad we never attend social occasions.
I’m really lonely now so I go downstairs and see if he’s approachable. I’ll make small talk again. He’ll either join in and we’ll have a okay conversation (even okay conversations are just space holders for me. I don’t really count anything he says while drinking as viable. Almost like reading fiction)…or….his dark side will be out and he’ll say to me “I’m not doing this tonight”..or…”stop trying to manipulate me” or something along that line.
I go up to our bedroom…usually alone…since he is still drinking and watching TV (at least he doesn’t go out and do it right?). I lay in bed, watch TV, read a book, or do some research on current events for work (I’m a political intel analyst). I write my one and only friend a note about how I’m going to change things.
I wait for him to come to bed. If he’s really two sheets to the wind, he’ll walk in the room, ignore me, mumble something and pass out, but not until AFTER he tells me in some way how horrible I am and how miserable I make him (One day I want to tell HIM what miserable is all about). If he is mildly drunk, he’ll tell me how much he loves me and attempt to get lucky, and tell me how happy he is.
As he’s snoring, I wonder what happened to the happy fun girl that I once was. I wonder what happened to all my friends and get mad at them for not sticking with me and then I wonder if I’m the one that sucks.
I think about how I want to leave but then I curse the next woman (I’m his 3rd wife) who comes in his life. He will love her and be sweet to her and tell her what a horrible person I was…but he’ll change. Years later she’ll see it wasn’t me. Their happy period will really hurt me, I’ll think it was all me.
What is wrong with me for thinking like this?
I look at my girls and know I can give them so much more without him around. I look at my youngest, she loves daddy so much, she’ll be mad at me her whole life. I think about his good moments and how he tells me everyday he loves me…and then I convince myself to keep trying.
So many excuses, TOO MANY excuses. I think I have the world figured out, but I can’t even figure WHY I’m in this situation.
Going to sleep now wondering if tomorrow he’ll wake up happy or still drunk and pissed at the world. Only tomorrow will tell….but then it’ll inevitably be 4pm again.
Ok… now I know where this hostility is coming from. Thank goodness for internet history. For clarification purposes and 100% honesty (you can bold that if you want), IM THE DRINKER.
I’m a professor at an unnamed university here in California and I drink 3 beers a night 1-2 nights a week. Typically this is on Thursday’s and Saturday’s and has been consistent for 3 years or so, it was much worse before and I recognized it and changed. Apparently my wife believes its too much for her own self-indulgence and I stopped for a month and had 3 beers last Thursday which is when it all started. Fireworks went abroad and doors started slamming (none of which was mine). Needless to say I’m thankful I found the source of her witty commentary, and after reading over our ‘suggestions’ I’d be more weary in the future. Having my PhD in Behavioral studies, I can assure you that your commentary and ‘suggestions’ aren’t full proof and a disclaimer should be put up on your site.
All of which apparently is a moot point from your perspective seeing that I consume a drink. And saying its 3 beers, 2 nights a week is probably just another ‘excuse’ for my behavior. And the screaming and slamming doors by my spouse is clearly my fault because any accountability outside the scope of the accused is just ‘deflection’. I can manage not drinking since you’ve clearly portrayed me as an ‘alcoholic’, but do understand you’re phrasing and lack-there-of could seriously hurt some of these women reading your page? You’ve done a poor delivery is helping these women (which as I read seriously do have issues), but ‘blanketing’ statements are only damaging your credibility and putting people in arms way. Instructing women to confront their spouse (passive or aggressive) isn’t a sure fire way to sell books. Understanding you need to make a name for yourself the more drastic and enabling show you’re able to conduct will allocate more hits to this site – just be more responsible from a humanity standpoint. I wish you much success, and with a little more research and fine-tuning I’m sure you’ll get there.
Hello Chris,
I’ve given my opinion on many situations people have asked about, so I have no idea which comments you are referring to. You obviously haven’t read much of my writing or you would know that I would never suggest 3 beers a night twice a week is even on the radar. That’s nothing…unless you turn into a total jerk with even that little to drink. That would be unusual, but possible. Regardless, it would never make you an alcoholic. It’s hard to imagine anyone going ballistic simply over their spouse drinking three beers.
There is a disclaimer on my site, referenced on every page. As a published, tenured professor with a PhD in behavioral sciences myself, now retired from academe, I am well aware that when I respond to a query, what I write is my opinion, given what information is provided. This has nothing to do with selling books or making a name for myself. The book is a very recent addition to my several hundred published articles. I am long past worrying about damaging my credibility by offering my opinion that no one “deserves” to be unhappy, that no one has a right to abuse their families, and that alcohol is often the excuse for bad behavior but never the cause.
Marriage: I believe in marriage; it’s a wonderful experience that can bring out the best in people. We’ve been married over 30 years…after two previous marriages each. I admit I don’t have much use for bullies and other domestic terrorists, regardless of their relationships with alcohol. I also regard spying on your spouse by searching her internet history pretty low, not something to gloat about.
You and your wife obviously need to do something if you want to save your marriage. So do it; don’t just wait for it to self-destruct. Alternatively, put it out of its misery and go your separate ways. Continuing as you are is just dumb.
Finally, I have no doubt that some readers will pick up on the deterioration in your spelling and grammar over the course of of your commentary, odd from a PhD. My wife has never been around alcoholics, but when she read it, what came out of her mouth was “He’s drunk!”
Chris and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, married for 1 1/2. We started out amazing, he was the nicest man I had ever been with. After our first child I had seen little signs, he wanted a 40oz everynight sometimes two, but he was still an amazing father and husband.when My daughter was little over a year old her little brother was born! and soon after EVERYTHING went down hill he always wanted to drink and go with friends to drink. He actaully cheated on me with a girl from his work, but we found a way to get past it. But since then ive watched chris slowly get worse and worse. Chris CANNOT just have a couple of beers, he has to drink untill he is completely belligerent. when he is drunk he wants to fight EVERYONE, including me I’ve even seen him pick fights with our 2 year old daughter. He tells me, I don’t clean enough, I don’t make love to him enough, let him go places. He has tried quitting many times but it’s only lasted about 2 days. when he is sober he is a wonderful man, but it has gotten to the point he is NEVER sober. when I wake up he’s already gone to the store for booze. He has only physicaly abused me three or four times, but thats because I don’t give in to the fights he trys starting. a few days ago he tried hitting me and ended up hitting our daughter and son! My brother who lives with us locked chris out of the house, chris called the cops to have them remove my brother. But i told the cops what had happened, not to get him into trouble but to try and get him help. H is not allowed near me and the kids for 10 days till his court date. But he is mad at me for what happened and somehow getting his whole family on his side. I love him more than words can describe, n I still want to be with him. i feel like the reason he drinks so bad is because he is unhappy and does not love me. is it true that when you are drunk, your real emotions come out?
Is this my fault?
I am married to a “functioning alcoholic” I feel it’s my fault for the situation that I find myself in and I feel even more ashamed of myself for believing him when he said he would change !I was in an emotional and physically abusive relationship with a cheater for 15 years .I finally woke up one day realizing that I needed to get out of that situation for myself and our two children . I was single mother for several years until my children became teenagers and decided they wanted a relationship with their father so they both decided to move in with him. I became very depressed I was in a very bad place when my children moved.I was disgnosed with PTSD from the abuse and turmoil I went through with my ex- husband.That’s when I met my current husband and father to my one year old.
We have been married for three years and the situation is only getting worse. I knew he had a drinking problem when I married him but he kept promising me he would change . He was the first person I have ever trusted. I don’t worry about him cheating on me or hitting me and he use to make me feel safe and secure for the first time in my life!
He has never been physically abusive but he is verbally abusive to me and our baby. He dranks straight whiskey from noon until he passes out every night when he is home. He is very controlling and accuses me of wanting to have a relationship with my ex- husband who lives in another State.My husband holds a job which keeps him away from home for several days at a time .When my husband isn’t home our baby is a totally different child .
When he dranks I cannot hold converstations with him and he picks at me and our child constantly . He acts like a kid and is very jealous of our child!I am afraid to leave my child with him alone even for me to take a nap. I am an older mom and I am very afraid to leave and start over again with a baby. I truly love my husband but I don’t think he will change he doesn’t think he has a problem .He tells me I have a problem. I am so confused and not sure what to do ! Your advice would really be appreciated .
I’m at wits end. I have just found your website and am wondering, are you really real? I don’t mean to be smug or mean, but I’m looking for help. Your site gives me hope that maybe it will work for us.
My husband was deemed an alcoholic more than 30 years ago. I was young and thought it didn’t matter (I really didn’t know what alcoholism was). I thought I could fix him. Nonetheless, we got married and he went through Alcoholic Rehab for about 6 months. Then he was on medical probation at work for several years. He did well, we did well for about 10 years.
First let me say that I never believed I was codependent, but now I know I am and have been for the whole of our marriage
(30 years). When the tenth year hit, life changed, we moved to a new place (and here is when I started denying that anything was wrong) my husband started changing, he started drinking again, arguments started flaring up. It was now me and the children against him, even though it really wasn’t; that’s how he twisted it to be. About 5 years later he was saved by his secretary and brought home one day. The secretary yelled at me and told me to get “this” taken care of or he could loose his job. I didn’t know what to do. So, I asked my father if I could use his name and credit card, which he was kind enough to do. (More codependency). I trapped my husband in the car and took him to a rehab center. We never used his real name. Like the last rehab center, my husband can charm his way out of anything. He was out in about 2 weeks. His secretary covered for him.
Little did I know for the next 10 years, he had been drinking and cheating on me with women from his work and where ever he had to travel because of his public profile. Other people would suggest that he may be cheating and I would say, “No, he would never, he loves me!” I found out about his ways just 5 years ago. Because of my religious beliefs, I have stuck with him. Oh, it wasn’t pretty. We fought, yelled, and I was almost starving myself to death. I’m small, but I was down to 89 lbs at one time. We even went to a Christian Counselor and they told him there was no such thing as an Alcoholic. Two of our children were off at college, but our one child, a daughter, felt the whole ordeal. She has suffered greatly because of this whole situation. My husband trapped me for a whole year, he didn’t and wouldn’t give me a divorce. I had no money of my own, no car of my own. My daughter and I finally got the help of one of her friends to help us move out. We went and lived with my mother for a year, then we found an apartment and lived there for a year. He would come to visit us and tell me that things would be better and that he couldn’t live without me. So, eventually, yes…we moved back in with him.
I would only come back if he did 3 things: I couldn’t live in the house that he brought women to, so he had to get us another place to live. I needed him to find another job, because the women there, taunted me and made me feel like I was the bad person. And he needed to stop drinking. Well, I didn’t get all three, I only got 1. We have been living under the same roof for almost a year and a half. And his drinking has increased. Intimacy is nil, so we don’t even talk about that. His drinking is just as you described on the site, except he starts drinking at 3 am, goes to bed to get some sleep before work. When he comes home, he has gone to the store and bought more liquor. He then drinks all night til he goes to bed. Many times he calls in sick or gives an excuse that the family needs him.
Anyway, now that you know some of my story (believe me, there is much more)and if you knew who we are, you would know why my husband and I are trapped by circumstances.
Is there really help for both of us and keep it from the public?
I was just looking for some information about living with an alcoholic when I discovered your page here. I read through many of the stories and find some very much the same as my current situation. I just am not sure what I have gotten into, and how long I can fight before I completely lose my mind, myself. I tell him to leave and then allow him to stay. I feel weak, and I don’t know why. I have been on my own, a single parent prior to and after divorce. I know I can do this.. so what stops me? I know I love him dearly, but is my love enough for us both?