Readers repeatedly ask me questions about their relationships with the functioning alcoholics in their lives. Today I will look at the case of the woman who is not yet living with her boyfriend, but wants to. She is concerned, however, about his alcohol consumption. It usually goes something like this:
“I’ve been wondering if my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He says he’s a functioning alcoholic, with the stress on “functioning.” I like the odd drink myself, but I can take it or leave it. We love each other and want to live together. Should I move in with him?” Signed, 29 and single
Well, 29 and single, it’s good that you are acknowledging right up front that there could be a problem. You show a healthy level of self esteem and confidence.
Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can raise some issues for you to think about, starting with the most important one. Ask yourself whether you can accept him exactly as he is without changes. You can’t change him, and you can’t expect him to change, regardless of what he may be promising. This is your primary test question. For the sake of your sanity don’t minimize its importance.
The next question is about him. What does he mean by “functioning?” He is probably a great boyfriend, but is he functioning well in other areas of his life, including his career, his relationships with his family and his social responsibilities like driving only when he hasn’t had a drink? Is he functioning as well as he could in all of these areas, or is he just getting by? And thirdly, can he stay healthy at his level of drinking, or will he die prematurely?
Satisfy yourself as to whether or not he is addicted to alcohol, that is, whether or not he is an alcoholic. Some drinkers overplay the alcoholic card; others underplay it. You could take the Alcoholism Test . The Alcoholism Test is designed for someone who isn’t sure whether someone close to them is an alcoholic, but would like to know.
If all indications are that he has an addiction to alcohol, then recognize that his alcoholism will probably worsen over time. He may or may not become abusive as his alcoholism progresses, but at the very least you will suffer neglect. Another way of saying it is that you will gradually lose the competition with his other mistress, the bottle.
Whether or not he has progressed to alcoholism, he might want to go to a drug and alcohol treatment center for alcohol rehab. Even if he can stop drinking on his own, he will need help with the underlying issues that led to his drinking problem to start with. Otherwise, he remains very vulnerable to relapse. The best time for him to address his lifestyle issues is before you start living together. It’s much harder later.
What happens if he doesn’t clean up his drinking? The hard reality is that whether you know it or not, you are probably choosing between living separately now or living separately later… after a lot of heart ache.
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I am currently living with a "functioning alcoholic". I can tell you that he is okay most of the time until "NOW". We have been together for 9 months and going.
I’ve noticed a few alarming changes in the way he relates to me when drunk. He gets more defensive when asked something. He was not like that at the start of our relationship. He has become mean and distant. This is coming from a man that fell in love with me first. I was holding back on the "L word" until we knew each other better.
Any chance he can get is a reason to celebrate and have a party. He even had a birthday party for his cat! On Thanksgiving he was so drunk he fell down on the floor. It was really a downer because it was my birthday on that day. My Mom was here and it was really embarrasing.
He has black outs all the time, even though he says he can remember. I know he’s not telling the truth. Both of his parents passed away, but his brothers and sisters have welcomed me into the family and love me. They always say, thats the way he’s always been, he’ll be okay. I have constant worry when he gets this intoxicated. I have health problems and need to keep my stress level down. He was fun at first, now its getting old.
We were on vacation seeing my Dad fo 10 days over this Christmas and he did not want to drink due to the fact he was meeting my Dad for the first time. He just turned it off like a switch, he was fine. Then once we got home it was back to normal. He at least has a few beers a night, but more when he’s off for a few days.
I had a lousy New Years eve with him. He was passed out before 6:30 pm that evening. Thank God his family was there to celebrate with me, or I would have been all alone on our first New Years. They told me to let him sleep it off, and he’d wake up later. We tried all night to wake him, then finally about 15 minutes before midnight they woke him. As soon as the ball dropped and he ate something we spent the last few minutes of 2007 together. No ringing in the New Years with me. He had been 4-wheeling all afternoon with his brother and drinking. We had scarce time together that day.
Lately I’ve expressed my concerns to him about his chronic drinking. He says when its his time, its his time. His nose has been turning blue and he doesn’t care. Almost everyone in his family has drinking problems. I don’t believe in that "heredity crap" everyone talks about. My Mom is an "alcoholic" and I’ve never been a drinker. I think it all comes down to "controlling" your mind, body, and spirit.
He was not the man I thought he was. I’m glad we didn’t marry and I can walk away. He has 4 divorces under his belt. I know it probably played a large part of his 4 failed marriages. He blamed it all on the ex-wives, of course. I’m so sorry that I let myself fall into his trap. I really cared for this man, but cannot take it anymore. Its all hit the fan the last few days.
Today I’m looking for an apartment. He knows how I feel. He stays real quiet when I tell him its not working. I’ve payed my own way staying with him, (rent and food). I certainly wasn’t using him. I guess I was the one being played. Well, the game is over. I’d rather be alone than have constant worry about his health. I have cared way too much for him. I should have been alot smarter. I’m a fairly educated woman and 46 years old.
This is to warn everyone out there living with an "alcoholic". Thank you for reading my comments. The next time I have a love relationship I will definately be with somebody who is not a "functioning alcoholic". That is all a piece of crap. It is "being an alcoholic" just nice words that cover up a serious addiction…..
Hi Sherry,
Congratulations on taking care of yourself and not falling into the trap of enabling him like his family has always done.
You will get through this, but not without tears. And you are not waiting 10 years to do it, like so many have done. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the words, "I should have ended it 10 (or 5, or 20) years ago. "
There is always hope in life. But sometimes hope lies on a path that leads you apart.
Neill
I am really thankful to read this correspondence. It has answered some of my questions and given me fair warning and confirmation of my fear in my own situation. Sherry, you are not alone – unfortunately I can identify and I’m sure, co can countless others! Sad, isn’t it? What a waste of some really potentially good people and a waste of our time and energy!!!
Greetings from another Sherrie. I could have wrote your post almost word for word. Especially the part about “glad I didn’t marry him”. Can you imagine???
I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m struggling. But I know in my heart that I did the right thing for ME and MY sanity.
Best wishes to you!
I am seriously contemplating ending my 7 year marriage to my alcoholic husband. He knows our marriage is on the “rocks” and wants to make it work. But, he insists all the problems are due to my not being close to him. How can a wife stay close to her husband when he literally is married to a can of beer more than me. His only life is beer and cigarettes and surprisingly, he does keep his good paying job which is really hard to understand. He is arrogant, cocky and verbally abusive when he drinks and I have put up with it way too long. I’m afraid to be alone, but being together is not the answer when drinking is the only thing that will make him happy!
I wasted 13 years of my life trying to win back the first six months of my relationship with my alcoholic. Obviously I was addicted to something to waste prime years on a warm body that hugged and loved the bottle much more than me. I was very vunerable when I met him and he “charmed the waters” as he likes to say, and “captured me.” I now know that women who stay with alcoholics aren’t staying because they are being loved so well. They are staying because they haven’t gotten back the self esteem that he torn down. Guess what? You will always be depressed, anxious, secretive, jumpy, close to tears and in so many ways unhappy as long as you are with a man and his bottle or can.
Thank you Sherry for the post. It makes an impossibly hard decision seem like it may be a little easier. I am so deeply in love with my “functioning alcoholic” boyfriend that I have excused his excessive drinking so far but I am about to move into his home & start our lives together. I am having serious grapplings with going through with it & hoping for the best, or walking away completely. He doesn’t seem to care that his drinking may ruin us, & he definitely doesn’t care that it hurts me. The stuff you talked about, the blackout thing, the falling down, the behavior changes, the drunk at social events, etc. It’s all very frequent for my guy. He drinks 90-some proof liquor in large amounts. It sucks because I like to drink beer & wine a few times a week myself but not to get drunk. But because of that I feel as though I can’t really come down on him that hard.
My guy suffers from real bad social anxiety & admits to it. He cannot function socially at all unless he has a few shots first, then it’s all downhill from there. More times than not, he ends up drinking way too much & becoming unable to even form a sentence. Most of my friends ask me if he’s ever sober because they haven’t witnessed him any other way. I have had so many nightmares about him being hurt and even committing suicide on accident when wasted, it is really stressful and makes me worry about our future. We are both 33 and would like to have a normal family life in the near future with children but there is no way for that to happen unless he stops being a drunk. Is there any way for him to change BESIDES rehab?? I know he would never take it to that extreme because he doesn’t see his drinking as a real problem (which to me seems incomprehensible). He has told me before that he doesn’t get addicted to stuff, which I understand because I am the same way. And he seems to get through most of the work week without drinking heavily. But this makes me wonder, does he drink like this because he has to, or because he wants to. Does he just enjoy being in a blacked out from reality state, or is his body craving the alcohol. Neither are anything good.
I am supposed to move in this week (our 1 year anniversary) but I don’t know if I can put myself through this another day, let alone the rest of my life. My friends & family all think I am completely happy & we are a great couple. I am & we are. Until Sailor Jerry enters the picture.
Hello Sea,
Do pay attention to Sherry’s post. I’ll add one thing. I can almost guarantee that if you do move in, it won’t be for the “rest of my life.”
Choose wisely.
Thank You Dr. Neill. I am in the process of ending a 5 year relationship with a functioning Alcoholic. He always socially drank at the bar 2 or 3 times a week. It was like this at the beginning of our relationship. But at the time, he was making a lot of $$ & he could afford to pay for the drinks & the cab home. He does not drink at home & he can go 3 or 4 days without a drink. Now that his job has gone down hill & we do not have the $$, he still has to go out & drink too much & try to look like a big shot. He used to be a fun drunk & we used to have a good time together. He recently got into a fight with a good friend of ours. He insulted the guy’s wife & family when he was drunk. He does not think he did anything wrong & he refuses to apologize. Now we do very little together & when he comes home drunk, he is often mean. My daughter refuses to have anything to do with him because he is mean to her. I wish I would have read your article 3 years ago before I purchased a house with & also went into business with this drunk. Now, I have to not only find a new place to live but a new job in this economy. So, I am sticking it out until I find a new job.
Please think twice girls before falling for a guy like this one.
“Nurse Ratchet”…Is my boyfriend’s nickname for me …he also refers to me as “Whore” occasionally and I can relate to all the aforementioned stories above. He is an alcoholic and I have been an enabler. I have inflicted physical violence on a man I love so dear when his insomnia mixed with alcohol has encountered my PMS and my bedtime.
I fell in love at first sight two years ago in May. Then I met his personality and Sense of humor and intelligence and I fell head over heels. Remove this disease and he is the most beautiful man I’ve ever met, inside and out. Two weeks into our relationship I witnessed him have a seizure. He drinks about two pints of whiskey and two six packs of beer a day…only because we are on a budget otherwise he would drink infinite pints and bottles. He hasn’t worked a day since I’ve known him. He has contributed a few months rent and has furnished our apartment but I am the head of the household and I feel my reward is the euphoria I feel when he holds me in his arms. I am a junkie for his love. I am 35 years old and I’ve been in love but never like this. I care about him so much. He suffers from anxiety insomnia and depression. I stopped sleeping at home and I’ve refrained from leaving him cash for booze.
He has mentioned in the past many times that he wants to quit. However, he thinks he can quit cold turkey. I know he should detoxify under medical supervision. I don’t want to continue to be his enabler but I love him so dearly I can’t leave him for dead. He is too fragile and suicidal. Any advice?
Hello “Nurse”
It’s tricky to advise when someone’s life is at stake. With his level of use, quitting cold turkey without medical supervision could kill him. He may be talking that way because he is killing himself anyway…suicide via alcohol.
However, try to understand that whether or how he kills himself is not your fault. No matter what or whom he blames, it’s his choice and you can’t fix it. (All alcoholics blame, never taking responsibility.)
Now for the really hard part. With your codependent love and your addiction to his care, he has no incentive to change. It may be that the best chance he has for survival is for you to leave his life. Your grief will be intense, but you could save his life. Alternatively, get appropriate professional help to deal with your codependency so you aren’t merged with him.
I broke up with my boyfriend because of his drinking habits. We had started dating in school, but then I went on a study abroad program for a semester. I knew when we started dating that he drank, but I didn’t know to what extent he did. We continued our relationship over skype, and I’m fairly certain that I loved him–I probably do even now. He got drunk a few times over skype, and I hated it each time. But I didn’t want to tell him that I hated it and wanted him to stop, because I don’t think it’s right to ask another person to change for you. I thought that maybe it wasn’t such a big deal.
But it only got worse. It was embarassing. I told him that I couldn’t deal with his drinking, that I couldn’t really trust him–it was like a betrayal every time he got drunk. I don’t know why, but that’s how I felt. I told him that I would break up with him. But I gave him another chance. A week later, he was drunk, and this time it involved another woman. He didn’t cheat on me, but all the same, I was livid. It was the last straw.
That was a couple months ago, and I’ve since made it clear to him that we’re not getting back together. I’d like to think that if he didn’t drink, that we could get back together. That we could go back to those first months when we were happy–I was so happy then.
He told me that he’s stopped drinking, and I’m glad for him–I really am. I litereally pray that he stays clean. Even when I don’t pray for anything else. I would rather him live a functional life apart from me than for us to be together and unhappy. And I feel like if I had stayed with him, he wouldn’t have stopped drinking. He thought that it was ok, I guess.
But I don’t know if I could ever go back to the way it was–we didn’t have enough good times built up before this all came out.
I keep thinking that, maybe, if I loved him the right way, it wouldn’t even matter to me. “Love keeps no record of faults.” So why can’t I ever see myself happily settled with him again?
This was longer than I thought it would be! I hope that maybe someone going through the same thing might relate.
i have met a guy on the internet we talk daily in skype so we can see each other – its now been 14 months since we met
we are saving up to meet each other as we live in different countries
i am only now fully comprehending that he may be an alcoholic who suffers not only black outs – i keep joking that he is like adam sandler and drew barrymore in their movie 50 first dates !!
once he didn’t know who he was talking to and got a fright when i said it was me ?
but he also disappears for long blocks of time without warning
and he also makes up stories of being in some where else – when i know he is not – one time i saw him at home and then his cam went out but i could still hear him but he swore black and blue that he was somewhere else and had only a little time to talk as he was in the military heading out …his friends say that they have never known him to be in the military
I have never had experience with alcohol before so not sure of the signs….but i am seeing that he tells lies, whopping big stories – they are coming back to bite him now – and i am only just starting to see them
i notice that in the time i have known him he has had several jobs
he gives no real sign of being drunk no slurry words…except twice and both times he said he was drinking so it was understandable
about 8 months in to it – i started to suspect something was not right and asked a few of his friends that he had introduced me to in skype – they all confirmed to me that he indeed did have a drinking problem
i confronted him and he lied….and things went on – a few months later he confessed that yes he did drink and yes he was lying to me about it and said that i meant to much to him to keep lying and that he would stop – but he lies about it – just flips me off causally saying he has been sober for a month when i know he hasn’t
he said he drank to keep his mind from racing and worrying …
being on the internet its harder to see the consequences of alcohol addiction but i am slowly just now realizing
but i have a question – what makes him disappear ? and what makes him hallucinate – make up stories that he is fighting in a war when i know he is not – and his friends say he has never been in the military ?
strangely this has been the most beautiful intense relationship in my life – he has ticked 99% of my boxes – he says all the things any woman wants to hear and yet we cannot reach out and touch
and now that i have read a lot at this site i am devastated to finally learn the truth – my man is an alcoholic a barley functioning one as it turns out
it may be easier for me to walk away from this as most would consider it to be ‘not’ real – but emotions have been connected for over a year of consistent contact and a future i.e money being saved for a eventual meeting – is being planned together
its heartbreaking to suspect or even think that its all been a lie on his part an alcoholic fantasy
like i said this is all very new to me – and these days i can’t function properly wondering what to do and knowing in my heart that i have to let him go for my own sanity and well being – that we will never get to meet or touch or anything like that
its crazy sad
but thank you to all who have written before me – you have made me open my eyes to a lot of things that i didn’t want to admit or see
“Nurse Ratchet”
i can so relate to you – even though my man is on the other side of the world and we have yet to physically touch – take away the alcohol and he is the man of my dreams – actually i did dream about him before we met but that is another story
i think i am an also an enabler and i have had the feeling a few times to walk away let him fall – it just may be what he needs – so when Dr Neil says that also please listen
it will be the hardest thing i have ever had to do myself if i can do it – but its something we have to do for ourselves – if these men really are serious about loving us then it just may be the kick in the gut, the critical moment of loosing the one the love that can help them see the need for change
if not then …we free ourselves – because being an enabler doesn’t sound like a fun place to me and i already know i am hurting with the realization of all of this
thank you for sharing your story – you made me think and yes i can relate
Could someone give me advice! I am 53 yr old women my boyfriend is 63. When I first met him 15 months ago I drank a couple times a week. We always ended up in a bar and still do. Now I feel myself increasing my alcohol intake just to be with him. He drinks on a daily basis. He says the times he only has 4 beers is when he doesn’t drink. I have lived with him for 7 months, the restaurant he opened in January closed in June due to his mismangement and decisions with finances. His best friend is giving him substantial amount of money to live. He was able to get a small job.
This morning he met some male friends for breakfast at 7am at 8am is at Traders Joes picking up wine and soup for supper.
My question is I am not happy with this situation.
Should I move out?
Thanks for reading!
I think you know the answer to your question.
My husband and I are 28 years old. We have lived together for 9 years, but have only been married for 2. His father died last August, and since then my husband has drank every night.
He used to just drink on weekends with friends. I don’t know what to do. When he’s sober during the day, sometimes he will say that he needs to stop and doesn’t like doing it. But then will just get drunk again the next night. He accuses me of talking to him like an idiot when I try to explain how it bothers me. I didn’t want an alcoholic husband, but I love him too much to leave, and he doesn’t abuse me.
But now we are going to have a baby due in January. I worry about if he gets worse what the future will have in store for us…
What do I do if I have two kids with an alcoholic and another child on the way, and have no place to go? We aren’t married, but have been living together for 5yrs! I am so stressed, depressed, and obviously his drinking isn’t really getting much better!
Hi, I need some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend, Kevin, for a little over a year. We live together. I suspected that he had a past drinking problem…on the few occasions that I saw him drink, it changed his personality into someone friendlier, more open, more confident. I also found alcoholics anonymous materials hidden with some of his things. I brought it up to him and asked him if he had had a problem with alcohol, he admitted that he had, but he was fine now. He did not say anything else about it. Anyway, yesterday when I was coming home from work I saw him coming out of the liquor store! I confronted him, and he admitted that he was buying the liquor in order to have more confidence because he was facing a social situation at work. We talked about it, and when I pushed him, he finally confessed his deep dark secret…he was a highly functioning alcoholic who has been to rehab three times, been fired from a job. I knew NONE of this before yesterday, and my head is reeling. I have never seen him drunk or out of control in any way due to alcohol. He told me “The only person I’ve ever hurt is myself.” He dumped out the liquor and admitted that he needs help again. I asked him if he was saying this because he knew it was true, or because he got caught. He assured me that this relationship is important to him and he wants to get better. He agreed to go back to AA meetings and discuss the underlying problem with his counselor (social phobia) and take the correct medication for that. Here is my question…should I trust him? Is this characteristic of an alcoholic or do you think he really does want to be better? Any advice appreciated.
I have been with my functioning alcoholic boyfriend for only 5 months. I have had concerns about his drinking from the first month. My friends told me I was “over sensitive” to drinking because my dad is an alcoholic. Dad is the life-long, raging alcoholic. I haven’t had anything to do with him at all in a decade and before that our contact was very sporadic and minimal. I am 41 and 18 yrs ago, left a man I had been dating for three yrs because he was a binge drinker who drank and drove every weekend. When I finally left him, I told him I couldn’t marry him and then worry about him wrapping himself around a pole or killing someone else every weekend. His personality never changed when he was drunk. Most people would not even be able to recognize that he was drunk. But that drinking and driving was not something I wanted to worry about the rest of my life.
I managed to go 18 years without dating another heavy drinker, until the current boyfriend. I am so angry. Why do so many men drink so fricking much??? I wish I knew in the first month, just how bad my boyfriend’s drinking was. I found out about a month ago, that he too is a rager, just like my dad. One night he was raging at me in the street. I just walked away and he followed me back to his place where he continued to rage while he followed me from room to room. When I ignored him, he didn’t stop. They things he was saying, didn’t even make sense. I finally told him to go listen to his music, as he said he wanted too, so I could sleep. He told me, “don’t f—ing tell me what to do”. I cried myself to sleep, in his bed.
This was the anniversary of his dad’s death. In the morning, which was the anniversary, I left and went home for the day. I had cancelled my plans for that day, the previous week, so I could be with him on such a day. But after the raging and stress, in the morning, I had forgotten what that day was. Of course I got an email from him later saying how hard a day this was for him and who does he have to support him? No one. I wanted to reply, and who’s fault is that??? That evening I did go over to his place and he apologized…of course he did, right.
The day after that, I told him the things he did and said to me when he was raging. Funny thing is, he recalled one of my replies but he had forgotten what he had said. I had not said anything to him as he raged, “if you’re going to get your b–ch on, pack your s–t and go home” and “we haven’t been together long enough that I want to spend a life time with this s–t the rest of my life”. Meanwhile, I had said nothing. I know better than to argue or try and reason with a drunk. When he told me to pack my s–t and leave, I asked him if that’s really what he wanted “because if I leave, I am not going to be in a hurry to come back”. The next morning, he told me, “your threat almost backfired”. I asked what threat given I had not made any threat. He said, when I said I would go home and not be in a hurry to come back. Ummm hello buddy? That was no threat, he was the one who told me to go and I was clarifying that is what he indeed wanted because I knew it wasn’t and if I left I would not be rushing back. When I told him that, he had nothing to say. What a selective memory. I told him next time he raged at me like that, I was leaving and I meant it.
New Years Eve, he passed out on the kitchen floor. Just the way I had envisioned spending our first new years eve together…not. Like many others have said he, when he’s sober, he is the sweetest, most romantic, caring man. Why is it so many alcoholics are the “sweetest man ever” when sober??
On new years morning he was so pleased with himself. He was trying to figure out how he had drank so much and not raged when the time before that he drank so much, he turned into a raging “monster”. I told him he had still drank too much. His reply….”you’re still not happy?” ummm no honey, I’m not. I haven’t spent my life dreaming about spending new years even crying and pissed at my alcoholic boyfriend who is passed out on the floor. the same man who is otherwise the most caring man ever. I told him if it was the other way around and he slept at my place on new years eve and it was me who was passed out cold, leaving him to sleep alone in my bed and worry about if I’d choke on my vomit and die, he’d not be happy either. Of course he had no reply because he knew I was correct.
Between these two incidents, that happened on Dec 11 and New years eve and since, he has made great strides in that he has chose to avoid visiting his best friend who drinks more than anyone I have ever seen drink. I had not even mentioned to him anything about this. I will not tell him he can’t see his friends. I asked him why he didn’t go visit his friend is that was what he wanted to do. He said his will power is good but not that good. I am glad he realizes how unhealthy their relationship is. He had also not drank every day at home, like he used too. He has still drank most days but not as much as he had been. I fear he is making this change only for a short time to try and impress me. I did tell him I can see he’s making an effort and I appreciate it. He said it’s not just for me but because he doesn’t want to drink that much himself plus he can’t afford too. I told him I am glad it’s not “just for me, because that is the wrong reason and he won’t be successful if that is the case. I told him it has to be for him, if he wants a chance at succeeding. He agreed.
I am already grieving as I fear it’s not a matter of IF he rages again but WHEN he does it again. I cannot live a lifetime of this. Even if it’s only a couple times a year. I can’t do that to myself forever.
I know his drinking is a big part of why his wife left a year ago. I am sad that his teenage children have to live with this behaviour. I told him he is negatively effecting his children. I think on some level, he gets it and on another level he is still very much in denial.
How do I find the strength to walk away when it gets worse again? I am not the enabling type but I also know I love this man so much. But I have to love me and not want a life time of this for myself.
I am fearful for him as i know he was close to really harming himself only 9 months ago. I will spare you the details but when he told me, I cried. It’s heartbreaking. I fear what he will do to himself if/when it comes time that I leave. I know this isn’t my responsibility and it’s not my fault. But I still fear for his safety. I am heartbroken.
My boyfriend and I started going out about 15 months ago. I used to drink back when I was in college but had quit and brought it down to just about 1 glass of wine a month or so. After I met my boyfriend, he encouraged, sometimes even persuaded me to start drinking again. He says he doesn’t even mind if I’m an alcoholic or a druggie because he loves me. He says this because I mind if he drinks too much, which he very often does.
He’s known right from the start I want to be with someone I feel comfortable starting a family with, not a perpetual drunk. His friends are horrible – mostly useless and jobless, and all of them drink like crazy every single night, sometimes day and night. I think he hangs out with them coz they are losers and make him feel good about himself.
Our relationship was rocky right from day 1, because he quit his job just a month after, was married and refused to leave his wife until she gave him some of his money back. Add to that his friends and a lot of booze almost everyday.. A few months back, he moved in with me after he assured me he would control his drinking, not hang out with his f***ed up friends, and try to live and act like a normal person. None of this happened. He drank and drank, a minimum of 4 days a week or more. We stopped spending any time together anymore as he’d just sit in a corner with his bottle and food. Things came to a point where I finally cracked up and wanted to leave him. He was physically abusive to me that night and completely unrepentant after that. A few weeks later, I finally cracked up and started calling him names and abusing him. He came home drunk and beat me up badly..
He has been promising he’ll quit over and over again. Swearing on his dead mother. Anything to convince me to stay. But it’s all lies. He then started saying he won’t come home again when he’s our drinking. Again lies, he came home once at 4 a.m., very often coming in a 1 or 2 a.m. before that. I don’t even think he likes me really – a heavy mirror fell on me today and he just stood a few feet away and was smiling. How creepy is that? When I mentioned it to him after he lay down to sleep, he smiled again and called me crazy.
I think I really am going crazy and need to get away from him soon. But I’m scared now coz I’m probably pregnant, have invested a lot of money in setting up a business for him, and don’t know how he’ll react if I walk away. What do I do?????
I left my husband of 19 years right after Christmas to be with someone who I reconnected with from High School. My husband was verbally and psychologically abusive, my boyfriend is not, even when he’s drinking he treats me well. He just likes to have people over whenever they feel like coming over, no matter what time I need to get up. He drinks heavily about every three days, staying up very late, sometimes not even going to bed at all. Doesn’t matter if he has to work or what he has to do the next day. He’s had bad experiences with programs and the law and doesn’t think he will benefit from them, but I see he can’t do it on his own. What can I do? He’s a good guy and wants help, but what’s out there, he’s not receptive to.